"We have this unconscious fantasy that if we just hang on to our justified rage and we hang on to our suffering long enough, then the other person will finally get it. They'll somehow magically see the light and they'll realize how they've harmed us and they'll feel as bad, better yet even worse, than the've made us feel. So when we leave the anger behind and we stop clinging to this angry internal dialogue, we also give up the fantasy of obtaining justice. And we give up the false hope of a wished-for future but what we gain is the ability to live in the present and to move on."
~Harriet Lerner, author of many Dance Of... books, and guest on Dear Sugar
We want justice, don't we? Even more than we want healing, I think, many of us want justice. And justice looks a wee bit like vengeance. We want the Other Woman to get hit by a truck. We want her to lose her job. We want her to be diagnosed with syphillis and die a lonely death. We want our husband to wake each morning to a dark day of misery for the pain he's caused. We want him to never know another moment of peace again. Ever.
It's only fair, we think. After all, we're miserable. We wake each morning to a dark day of misery. Surely if they felt, really felt to their very core, the depth of the pain they caused, that would balance the scales.
That, we think, would be at least a bit of justice.
There's no true justice, of course. True justice would be for them to have to experience the gut-punch of discovering a partner's infidelity. And not only discover it but have never been guilty of it themselves so that being cheated on truly feels unfair. And that, my friends, is impossible. Because even if we cheat on them right now, with the first sexy pool boy we can find, it's still not the same pain as we experienced. It's not the same shock. It's not the same. Not at all.
And so there really will never be true justice.
Obtaining justice is a fantasy, as my mystery writer above refers to it.
And chasing that fantasy isn't getting us any closer to justice. It's only keeping our eyes locked on a future that will never be. It's keeping us stuck in false hope.
But letting go of that fantasy can be frightening. I hear it all the time, in fact, a woman tweeted it to me the other day: "If I let go of the anger," she wrote, "isn't that the same as saying what he did was okay?"
No.
But it wasn't always that clear to me either.
I was certain that if I released the death grip I had on my anger, my husband's cheating would be relegated to the past. The metaphorical slate would be wiped clean. As if we were starting over, fresh.
And there was no way in hell I was agreeing to that.
Instead, I was determined to keep my husband in purgatory. Not quite hell but certainly nothing like a fresh start.
What I couldn't see then and what my Twitter friend can't see yet is that holding onto that anger, that fantasy of justice keeps us in purgatory too. It binds us to our pain, which is the past. I'm not saying it doesn't still hurt today, right now. I'm saying that the injury is in the past. And injuries heal. Sometimes invisibly but they heal, unless we keep picking at them, preventing the scab from forming.
Refusing to release the anger or our desire for vengeance-slash-justice won't magically make others suddenly get our pain. It will just keep us miserable. It will just keep us looking backward in one direction only, at our injury.
There is an alternative.
It's a scary one but here it is: Surrender.
Surrender to the truth that there will be no justice. Even if you divorce him and take every single cent he's ever made. Even if she's cast out by society and spends her days wandering dark streets in rags.
Surrender to the truth that you don't know what's next. Clinging to your anger doesn't protect you from further pain, it doesn't make it more likely that your husband will remain faithful. It only makes you unhappy and unpleasant to be around.
The alternative is, as our mystery writer puts it, "the ability to live in the present and move on."
Move on. Live in the present.
The present might still kinda suck. You might still cry a lot. But it's not yesterday. Or the day before. Chances are, if you look for it, you'll see that healing is taking place. I know you're not out of the proverbial woods yet. It takes a really long time. Longer than I ever imagined it would take.
But if you look carefully, if you release your death grip on anger, if you surrender your need for justice, you'll find signs of healing.
Tell us about them.
Maybe you cried a little less today. Maybe you laughed out loud. Maybe you noticed, for a split second, that something tasted good. Or looked beautiful. Or felt right.
Notice those things. They are signposts that are taking you out of the past and planting you in the present.
And that's where you want to be.
The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
I have been following this blog for just about six months now, following the discovery of my husband of 34 years, one night stand 15 years ago on a guy's ski trip. He did not have sex with the woman, just everything else. I found out completely by accident when his "friend" from college texted him a drunk text reminding him of the cheating after they had had an argument. I was sitting right next to my husband when he opened the text, and saw everything his good "friend" had written. I confronted him, and at first he completely backpeddled, then his face went white, and the entire ugly story came out. Fast forward six months... I have been in therapy since by myself, and we have had two couples sessions as well. He has never had any other betrayals, and he is working very hard at repairing my broken heart. Today we have a therapy session during which he will read to me an apology letter based on 4 questions provided by my therapist. When I opened the BWC blog this morning, I found this post to be so appropriate for how I am feeling today. I know I need to surrender. I try every day. And, I know that it was only once that he cheated. I cannot imagine what state of mind I would be in if it would have been a full blown affair. This has sucked enough. I thank you for your wisdom, words, and insight to the tremendous impact that a betrayal, of any kind can have on a person. Your blog has been a lifesaver for me on many days. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteMNMama,
DeleteI'm glad this site has helped and it's wonderful to hear how you're healing. Yes, surrender is pretty much the only way I know how to get through this with my integrity intact. Let us know how it goes at the therapist's.
This was so, so good! And a reminder that I needed to hear. I am also reminded that vengance belongs to the Lord, the judge of all mankind, including me. It's easy to slip in and out of this feeling of really wanting them to understand how much they have hurt you, to feel what you feel/felt, whichever it is for you today. But for me, two years out of being cheated on through an emotional affair my husband had with a co-worker, but worse yet, after telling me it was over, after 8 months and some healing, the wound was ripped open even more when I discovered that it wasn't over. But there has been healing and I know this because our neighbor and her husband split up because of his infidelity and I exclusively with her and for her, and not for her AND myself. Healing happens and we see it so many unexpected ways, but it's good to acknowledge that it's there and soon we begin to see that we have come much farther than we still need to go and that is encouraging. Hugs! Serenity
ReplyDeleteAgain perfect timing for this post, Elle. There has been profound healing and connection for me and my h in the year since D-Day...But/And, I am very challenged by the Justice issue in terms of that woman. When I have imagined a buddhist kind of surrender, it's made me both weep from the imagined relief and release.
ReplyDeleteReminding myself of what is happening in the present is so, so, so helpful. I get thrown into the past all the time by memories from my gaslit 14 months. Growing up with alcoholic parents where the truth or facts were often forgotten or were rewritten, I have a sharp memory - My h says I have the memory of an elephant. No doubt I developed a kind of desperate need and skill to hold onto even the teenytiniest fact, to hold onto the truth of my life and not be taken down in the alcoholic (and personality disorder of my mom) chaos. In regards to your post, I can get thrown into the past quite quickly and vividly. I imagine that happens to all of us regardless of our upbringings. Fighting to get back to the present is crucial to making new, healing neuropathways. The other night I was buying a grocery item at the store and it flung me back to Nov 2016 when I was buying it for a romantic dinner. Suddenly I was in the rabbit hole of pain and the injustice. When I got in the car, I broke down. But through the tears pouring out of me, I put my hand on my heart and did a breathing exercise to stimulate the anxiety-reducing vagus nerve and I said over and over "It is December 2018. I am not being lied to or gaslit anymore. He is honest now. I am healing. We are healing. It is not November 2016 - it is December 2018..." And when I got home I told my h what had happened and we had a long hug.
Thank you for reminding me to drag myself back to the present when I feel the anger and anguish of injustice. I want Surrender to wash over me but this post has reminded me that it's not just going to happen out of the blue. I have to renew my intention to work on that part of the healing.
Somebody,
DeleteI remain convinced that those of us who grew up in dysfunctional homes (my parents, too, were alcoholics) have a particularly hard time with betrayal because it feeds into a narrative that we've long told ourselves -- that we're somehow flawed. What's more, we've been somewhat groomed for being gaslit because so many of us experienced it as children. We were told that what we were seeing wasn't what was actually there.
But yes, doing our best to remain rooted in the present, reminding ourselves that we are adults now capable of keeping ourselves safe, and practising radical self-care all work to help us heal.
Your insights and experience are really helpful, Elle.
DeleteMany years ago I had a 6-year stint of therapy where I thought I'd explored the alcoholic home well enough to 'take it from there' with self-help books and a spiritual practice. Not even close. You're right about being groomed for the gaslighting. My intuition was screaming at me but over and over I let Trust override my confusion and loneliness. We were taught well to be loyal - to protect the dysfunction, right? So how could I be so disloyal as to imagine that my honorable "one of the good ones" husband was actually a liar and a cheater? I'm grateful for our therapist who helps me and my husband dive deep (with compassion) to understand the wounds that got us here.
I am trying to surrender to the fact that my husband is limited and will not give me the kindness, consideration, and empathy I deserve in the wake of his betrayal and years of immature, selfishness. He just cant bring himself to do it. So I am trying to surrender to the pain of that failure. That he had a chance to do right by me but he couldn't. And that means that I have to stand up for me and do right by myself. I have to let go of the fantasy that he will get it and that our marriage will recover. That is my justice fantasy. But we don't always get what we deserve.
ReplyDeleteI am struggling with the same things. He refuses to do any work at righting the wrongs he has committed..refuses to discuss anything, avoids me, continues to lie to me..I wanted so very much for him to have a change of heart but it is just not going to happen. It is just not who he is. He has shown me what is important to him...he is the center of his own universe and it have to accept defeat and let it all go for my own safety and sanity. I feel like God blessed this man with so much and turned his back on me..it has really shaken my faith..maybe there is no rhyme or reason to life and I have wasted so many years..
DeleteMBS
DeleteSo true. We don't get what we deserve, and the concept of karma is one I had to surrender early on. People simply don't get what they deserve. I didn't, the other woman didn't, my husband didn't. What comes around will not be going around. Actions have consequences for sure, but those consequences are spread to people not responsible for the actions. It's a hard pill to swallow. I want the world to make things even. For the good guy (or girl) to win and be rewarded. Once I completely abandoned karma, I had only one choice that I could live with: I choose to be a force for good as often as I can. To try support the good guy and watch my own actions. I want to live in a world where people are not self serving bastards, so I try really hard not to be one. That only reduces the number of self serving bastards by 1, and that's the extent of my power to change the world. But I keep using my 1 as often as I can, and I can see some others around me are doing the same to their best abilities. But still, none of them will be rewarded for that, and the people who carelessly or maliciously cause harm will not be punished... but they are choosing to use their "1" differently than I am. They are probably not even conscious of their choice, but there they are, using their one life that way. Some will find that very pleasurable (living in disregard of others), so maybe that's the right choice for them? Why not if they can? The truth is, I wouldn't and couldn't. If I tried to live that way I would be miserable, so eventhough there is no karma, I gotta be me in a world full of "not me"s, which sucks right up until I make connections with other like-minded people like all of you. That helps it not suck so much.
MBS,
DeleteI think that doing right by yourself has always been your responsibility, no matter whether others are capable of meeting us there or not. Yes, it would be wonderful if he could make amends for what he did but it's our betrayal of ourselves that I think hurts even more, when we let ourselves be treated badly.
Yes, you need to take care of you and do everything you can to move forward from this. He will either join you on that journey or be left behind.
Thank you all for your wise and kind words. I am so surprised at how hard it is to give up my fantasy for justice. I know it intellectually, but emotionally.... I keep thinking it will happen, that it shouldn't be this way, even though the actions and evidence points to otherwise...
Deleteann - Once again you've said exactly what I needed to read today. Thank you for that!
DeleteThanks, MBS, for sharing your thoughts of where you are. You put into words the truth that I have been trying to avoid. My husband just doesn't have it in him. It makes sense now, but when I found out at the end of December last year of his affair and the previous years of lies and betrayal, I sooooo wanted to believe that this was epic enough to make him realize and step up and be the man I deserve. I never ever imagined I could be in such a low place as I am now. I just wanted you to know I am sitting here beside you trying to make that same surrender.
DeleteMBS and Zerothehero, My heart hurt reading your words. It's hard and painful enough to heal with a husband who WANTS to do the hard work of empathy and repair...To have to navigate the betrayal alone is excruciating. I'm in awe of your courage.
DeleteAnn, Your post really moved me. To tears. I have tried to make sense of how people can keep using "their 1" to be so brutally self-serving and to cause so much damage without care or accountability. And it's been a bitter pill to swallow that so many of these people are praised and rewarded their whole lives. In the history of the world, Justice has been elusive so my expectation that it might or will happen in my "little" situation is just a recipe for suffering. The way you put it feels incredibly empowering to me: "I choose to be a force for good as often as I can. To try support the good guy and watch my own actions. I want to live in a world where people are not self serving bastards, so I try really hard not to be one. That only reduces the number of self serving bastards by 1, and that's the extent of my power to change the world. But I keep using my 1 as often as I can, and I can see some others around me are doing the same to their best abilities..."
DeleteThis reminds me of the butterfly and the hurricane metaphor. Reducing the number of harmful people by one/increasing the number of people with integrity and compassion by one has far-reaching effects.
And yeah, that does help make it not suck so much.
I understand the word surrender as well as acquiescence, relinquishment, succumbing, backing off, backing out, or white flag. Every word I think of that is similar to surrender means giving up the fight. Not the fight with him but the fight within myself for all that Elle said in the post. I'm 5 years and 1 year past Dday. I surrender justice. I believe my God will take of any justice, far better than any letter or gift (ha-ha) that I could deliver. I surrender the bitterness it was causing my health problems. I surrender the need to know all the facts. He cheated, fucked, spent money and hated me at that time. There is nothing else I really need to know. I surrender my pride in being one-up, more moral, more everything. He has shown me everyday he is committed. He has shown me he will do whatever it takes to keep me with him. He passed all my tests large and small. He took both physical and mental abuse, blind rages, demeaning, demands that I dished, but really shoveled on him, maybe a tractor bucket anyway I had a really big load that I threw on him. I surrender the knowledge he is liar and accept that he just can't tell the truth, this is his flaw not mine. I surrender expectations that he can ever empathize with me. He proved this week and admitted he just doesn't have it. There is a lot to surrender as a betrayed wife. I hope you all are sitting down. I told him I forgave him last week. Honestly, I just don't care about his flaws anymore. I'm going to live my life. I don't care if he leaves or stays really. I will be fine. I don't care if he cheats again, I will be fine. I really don't care what he does anymore. I surrender that need to super work on my marriage anymore. If we make it we do and if we don't well he can leave. He is the only person I ever forgave in my entire life, 64 years, sincerely. I just don't give a fuck anymore about his affair. It is so weird to feel like this. We are still going to counseling when we come to an impasse. Got an appointment on Monday. I have come to accept him and his flaws. I know what they are, I know him so much better now. I expect no more and no less. I live for me now. Whatever happens is going to happen and there isn't shit I can do about it. I can only deal with what I'm given at the time. I'm so tired of fighting it all. I just surrendered.
ReplyDeleteLLP,
DeleteWow. I want to be where you are. I am working my way there slowly and you give me hope.
My therapist yesterday said basically the same thing as this blog post. That I'm allowing unproductive thoughts about awful past events invade my current wonderful events. Like during a holiday party when I was reminded by my own dumb brain that the H hadn't been planning to be at this family event and was making plans just 3 short months ago to be with the OW and separated from me. I let the thought take hold and had a panic attack. I was hurt that I wasn't sitting there carefree like last year. I was angry that my H was sitting there laughing and talking as if he hadn't nearly destroyed me and us a few short weeks ago. But did I really want to be sad and angry and hurt right then? Would I prefer to drown in those thoughts or have the happy thanksgiving with my husband that I had fought so hard to keep?
What I see now is that in that moment before the ugly thought popped in my head, I was sitting at a table surrounded by loving family while my H was holding my hand under the table. I let that past thought ruin a lovely current moment. Therapist said to look at the thought when it comes up and then look around at what is actually happening around me in THIS moment. She said to put the thought in a "box" and close the lid for examination later if it needs it. Not to let the thought ruin the moment.
That seems so simple, but it has helped me immensely. Especially in our sex life. I struggle with images of things they did whilst we are in the throws of passion. I now have a mantra to keep me in the moment with him when those thoughts pop up. Yes, he kissed her, but right now he is kissing ME with the passion of a teenager. Yes he had sex with her but right now he is looking into MY eyes with his eyes full of love and lust.
I am getting everything I want out of our marriage now. This is the kind of relationship we both had been wanting but just didn't work hard enough to have. After waiting for it for so long and working so hard to get what I want, why am I allowing random thoughts about an event that won't be repeated spoil it?
I know there will be thoughts come up like that. That I will be blind sided by triggers. But if my goal is to have a better marriage and a happier life, I can't let ugly thoughts ruin great moments. Or any moments.
SHE took enough from me. She gets NO MORE.
Brava to both of you, LLP and ElleBelle.
DeleteElleBElle - I'm going to steal your therapists words to you and use them for myself. Because I too find myself stolen away from happy moments time and time again.
DeleteThank you for sharing them with us!
I’m having so much trouble surrendering the belief that this is my fault. His affair, objectification of women, and porn usage directly fuel the things I struggle with as a result of my eating disorder.
ReplyDeleteHe tells me that none of his actions/issues are a reflection on me or a competition between me and someone else. He also wants me to let him take full responsibility for everything so that he can face it and do better.
Is it even possible for me to recover from my eating disorder when I’m in this situation/relationship? How have you been able to let go of blaming yourself? Books, songs, empowering mantra?
It really sucks to think of yourself as a strong feminist role model for your daughters and then have to face the fact that you’ve basically internalized ALL of the bullshit you thought you didn’t believe...
Erin,
DeleteYou do it moment by moment. There is no magical ta-da when suddenly we are healed. It is two steps forward, one step back. One step forward, two steps back. But we get there, inch by inch.
We are healing when we notice those toxic messages that our culture delivers to us in whispers. We are healing when we remind ourselves that husbands cheat no matter what their wives look like, or act like. We are healing when we treat ourselves with kindness and respect and model that to our daughters, including modelling our missteps, forgiving ourselves for them, which gives our daughters permission to forgive themselves too.
The strong feminist role models we admire have their own insecurities. They fight daily. They just get back up every single time they're knocked down. They challenge toxic messages. I think you imagine that the rest of us have somehow shaken off our insecurities or those cultural messages around our bodies and our value. Not true. It's a full-time job fighting back against that. But we're strong enough to do it.
I understand the concept but how do I do it? I struggle every day with the pain and the memories.
ReplyDeleteSusan,
DeleteIt is a struggle every day. Sometimes every minute of every day. And so we start there. Moment by moment. We practice radical self-care. We work hard to be patient with ourselves for not getting over this faster. We are gentle when we're having bad days and we try hard to notice when we are having better days.
It is an inch by inch healing. It is happening even on the days when you think it isn't. There is a ton of info on this site, which basically reiterates what I'm writing here. And there are so many women who are sharing their own journeys, which will sound a whole lot like yours.
Elle, this speaks to me so personally. I feel like you’re looking me in the eye & speaking those words.
ReplyDeleteA few days ago, under the Feeling Stuck thread, I said that I got an apology letter from the OW. She was my former friend, a good friend. There were about 10 people in our circle that we spent a lot of time with. No one else knew of their affair & I had buried the gut instinct that she had feelings for my H. She was someone that I would have done anything for and I went out of my way to make sure she was safe.
Everything blew up after d-day. I had no trust for anyone, not friends & certainly not my H. I thought that mutual friends would abandon her after what she did to me. I still don’t know if they have & it leaves me feeling suspicious of them. They have been nothing but kind and compassionate to me & my family, but how can they be true friends to me if they embrace her as well?
I got the letter which threw me for a loop. I was right back into major PTSD panic. Seeing her once in a while, or hearing her name is awful enough. My blood pressure is taking a toll! Her letter was probably honest, she blamed no one but herself. Reading between the lines, it looked like she initiated the whole thing (not that my H was innocent of course!). If there was ever an admission of remorse & shame, this would be it. Regarding what we’d like to give the OW for Christmas, someone here or on Twitter said they’d give the OW a conscience so she could feel the pain that she caused. This letter was as close as it gets, assuming she wrote it and the feelings are real.
What to do next? Respond? Rip her to shreds? Is that vengeance? Is that justice? Why does she get her say in this letter without facing the wrath of my anger? My H has certainly been subjected to my rage, tears, & sadness. I thought of having a face to face with her so I could explain every grotesque, horrendous action of hers as she took advantage of my kindness. Maybe then she could feel the knife of her betrayal tear and cut & shove my soul.
As for justice- like Elle said, the only true justice would be for him & her to get the gut-punch of infidelity. That’s not going to happen. I’m not angry at my H anymore, that is gone. She is not married. How many times have I thought that people go to jail for committing crimes that cause no hurt, yet we BW’s don’t get the satisfaction that our offenders have to serve their time for the immense torture they’ve subjected us to.
On the other hand, maybe it’s time to just surrender. I may be capable of living in the present. Maybe there is not boogeyman under the bed anymore. My husband is kind, thoughtful, loving. He is better man now than he was when we married. He’s faced his demons and works on becoming a person every day. This is a win. Maybe there’s peace around the corner.
Gem,
DeleteThat's such a double gut-punch. And I'm so sorry for everything you've gone through.
But yes, I think it is time to surrender to what's true for you right now. There is no deadline for your response to this OW. You can take your time deciding when/if to respond. And though I know how much pain you're in, I still think it's preferable to be you than to be her.
I suspect peace is coming for you. Perhaps begin by writing a letter to her. You can decide later whether to send it or burn it, or read it in person. But it might help you get all that rage out and onto a page.
It has been 2 and a half years post Dday. And every day I have wished that she would experience some kind of hell and misery. I realized she is a narcissist so I started wishing for things that would destroy her rather than dying in a fiery car crash. On my way to work, I have to pass the street she moved to. I have to pass a mall where she was so excited to buy a new outfit with the money he gave her.
ReplyDeleteAnd the hatred rears its ugly head. I know it keeps me from moving forward. But letting go is hard. What did she suffer? Her boyfriend moved her and her family to his wealthy family's farm. I still take antidepressants. I still get triggered out of the blue. It isn't fair.
I feel like such a phony, especially if someone thanks me for being nice. Inwardly I seethe. And then feel unworthy. I'm only hurting myself. And I resent it.
Beagle Mom,
DeleteIt can be true that you are a wonderful human being. And it can be true that you seethe at the apparent lack of consequences for someone whose actions hurt you deeply. Not one of is only all good or all bad.
A narcissist does not feel much of anything at all. They are an empty vessel that needs a constant supply of attention in order to feel alive. That sounds like hell to me. Leave her to it.
And, as best you can, focus on where you are right now. You are not a phony. Not at all. You are someone dealing with the worst pain of her life. You are someone whose kindness manages to emerge even in the midst of that. Give yourself a break. Be patient with yourself. Remind yourself that you are human. Remind yourself that you didn't betrayal your partner or run over this woman in your car. That makes you something of a saint. ;)
THIS is exactly where my life is...waiting for justice in my purgatory. It's been 5+ years since my DDay and I still haven't surrendered and I ask myself every single day WHY? WHY? WHY can't I let go?.....because he has rocked me to my core and I want him to suffer for it. And where is that getting us.....NOWHERE.
ReplyDeleteElle - this came from a podcast or something you posted. I heard this in it and typed it out. For the life of me I can’t remember which post but it would have been within the last 4-6 months.
ReplyDeleteKimberly
Sorry Elle - it was bugging me. :)
DeleteThis quote was from Harriet Lerner on the Dear Sugar Podcast you posted on this blog.
https://betrayedwivesclub.blogspot.com/2018/08/just-one-thing.html
Aha! Thank-you. I'll make the correction.
DeleteIt's 5 months + since we separated. I would say this 5 months is not an easy time to go through but i know i am still "new" as to compared to other people here.
ReplyDeleteI am getting better each day. I don't curse them as i know i am not as mean as them...people treat us badly but we don't have to do the same as we are "good" people. We should put more times to prioritize on our-self and healed 1st. Everything should be 2nd priority. We cannot control how our H/OW did or behave. The more we responded to their action, we more suffering we will be. We need to love ourself first before other will be able to love us.
I believed if we are mean to be together, eventually everything will work out it's way to be together again. Love can't be forced. Time will tell.
Lost_AA
Lost AA you are doing amazingly. Keep on going! Keep your focus on you, as you say, and your own healing.
DeleteSS1 part 1
ReplyDeleteThis post is a tough one for me, for a lot of reasons. One because I am struggling with anger, again around a lot of things. But two, because I am the person on the other side of this experience too. I’m the one, if justice is a thing, who should or would experience the gut punch of discovering a partner’s cheating. And so, my experience doesn’t totally line up with what’s here.
"We have this unconscious fantasy that if we just hang on to our justified rage and we hang on to our suffering long enough, then the other person will finally get it. They'll somehow magically see the light and they'll realize how they've harmed us and they'll feel as bad, better yet even worse, than they've made us feel.”
I don’t know if I’m hanging on to my anger because I believe if I do, he’ll finally get how much he’s hurt me. This man is no longer in my life. We’re divorced. And not because I knew, right out of the gate, that his cheating was a deal breaker. In fact, it wasn’t. I stayed and fought for a long time, gave him as much time (and perhaps more than he deserved in hindsight) as I could, precisely because I knew how important and transformative that second chance could be. I think what I’m angry about is my own coming to realize that this man will never, ever, ever realize how he’s harmed me. That he has been intensely self-centered for our entire relationship and marriage and rarely gave a thought to how his actions might affect me or even more simply to treat me with basic respect and like my needs mattered. So I’m not waiting for him to get it. I have a firm belief that he ever will. What I’m mad about is that I put up with it for so long. Mad at myself and mad at him.
If you flip that around though, one of the worst moments for me post dday 1 was when I was deep in that initial pain, suffering, anguish and the realization that I had hurt him like this landed on my like the proverbial ton of bricks. I recall the two of us laying in bed and he was holding me (this was during the few short weeks of false reconciliation) and I was weeping uncontrollably, just an outpouring of tears and sobs and snot, full ugly cry and all I could say was “I did this to you.” Meaning, I finally understood how much I had hurt him with my cheating 12 years prior.
For a long time after my cheating episode (I won’t go into the background here again. Many of you know the story. Important points are: he found out because I came clean after ending it in an effort to make things right, give him a choice. And I tried really, really hard, to make things right. But some of the underlying issues were never dealt with, mostly because he kept some dark secrets until long after dday. We stayed together another 12 years after that.) for a long time, I was deep in dark days of misery and shame.
“True justice would be for them to have to experience the gut-punch of discovering a partner's infidelity.” I’ve lived that. It was a gut punch. It was in no way softened or mitigated by the fact that I had been a cheater myself. If anything, I wrestled with the additional pain of feeling like I deserved what was happening, that I may have caused it in some way, that I had brought it on myself. It lined right up with what a shit person I believed I was. It was terrible. And maybe because a lot of time had elapsed. Maybe because I had believed for a while that we were through it, or that I had finally been chosen by him after those events. Maybe that’s why it hurt so much. But it hurt more than anything I’d ever experienced in my life. More than my mother’s relentless alcoholism, more than being assaulted in college. Being betrayed by my husband has been the worst pain of my life. So, for those of you looking for justice or karma or whatever. There it is.
SS1 part 2
ReplyDeleteHere's the other thing. I’m beginning to suspect that he did not experience my cheating in the same way that I experienced his. How could someone, who had been through that much suffering turn around and inflict that harm on someone else? Well, because he never dealt with it or any of the rest f his gigantic and subterranean issues. I also think, and I’m still working this out, that someone who is that self-centered doesn’t experience emotional pain in the same way as someone who is able to have empathy with the feelings and experiences of others.
I’m not sure that even if, you cheated with the next pool boy etc that he would experience the pain the same way. I’m not even sure each of us experiences the pain of infidelity in the same way here. Each of us brings a constellation of experiences, history and propensity for trauma. I know there are commonalities, but in the end each of our responses are unique to us. None better or worse or more or less. Just different. One of the things we know about infidelity and the trauma therein, is that until you’ve been there, you just don’t get it. So, it’s not just cheaters who have never been slapped by the mighty hand of justice who don’t get it. Its anyone who hasn’t experienced it. If a regular person, who is trying to relate to us can’t get it, how much more so is a wayward spouse, who is wrapped up in shame and denial, unlikely to get it.
And so. To the moving on. I am so ready to have my ex and his inability to consider my feelings ever in the rear-view mirror. Actually, hidden down behind a rise in the road that I’ve passed. Gone from view. No longer causing my pain. Or the ghosts of pain and anger about how I let myself be treated for so long. No longer a factor. I’m so ready to not care what he thinks anymore. It’s a strange place to be: to realize that he’s terrible for me, selfish and at the same time to still hate or feel sad that he never showed up for me, maybe once, but I suspect it was till really about him. And that I am still in old patterns of caring what he thinks, because I’ve been trained in that for so long. I know how insecure and judgmental he is, how he loves to make fun of others to feel superior and so I’m telling stories about the stories he’s telling himself or the latest girlfriend and making unfair comparisons and just being shitty. And I am struggling to keep that out of my gut. But I also know it’s me telling me those stories. And I need to let go of that old stuff. There will not be justice with him. He will never, ever, really truly be sorry. He’ll still always manage to blame me (and anyone else handy) for his own shitty choices. I hope LLP is right and this current struggle is a sign of growth.
SS1.
DeleteOne of your incredible gifts is your honesty -- your ability to really reckon with your own actions and see others through that lens. Not all of us are capable of that and though I love that honesty, I also think it leaves you with SO MUCH to deal with. You just will never let yourself off the hook, not even for a second.
You trusted the wrong guy. But if it hadn't been that wrong guy, I suspect it would have been another wrong guy. Those of us who've grown up with such dysfunction, who've been groomed to make ourselves pleasing to other people, are going to pick the wrong guy until we finally put that behaviour to rest. Until we finally see it clearly for what it is and can recognize it when we engage in it. Until we see if BEFORE we start doing it.
If I hadn't picked THIS husband who cheated on me, I would have picked a workaholic, or a gambler. (I was so busy congratulating myself for not picking an alcoholic that I didn't even notice his other compulsive behaviours.) It never even crossed my mind to ask what I wanted or needed other than someone who wasn't an alcoholic. I knew what I didn't want, not what I did. And that's the thing with our unhealthy selves. They make shitty choices.
And our job, when we finally recognize this shitty choices, is to forgive ourselves. You were doing the best you could at the time. That's all you could ever do. It's time to let yourself off the hook for not knowing what you didn't know, what you couldn't know at that point. But that experience has brought you here. Plenty of people never get here, you know. They never examine their behaviour, or their partners' stuff. They just keep blaming everybody else and doing the same thing and wondering why they're miserable.
So kudos to you for your clear-eyed appraisal of your life. But forgive yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Be kind. You would NEVER tell a friend that, yeah, she's kinda an idiot for having done what she did. Nope, you would remind her that when we know better, we do better. You're doing better, SS1.
Thank you Elle
DeleteIs it surrendering? I really don't like that word and what it suggests, but I certainly am sensing that I'm moving toward some kind of peace 4+ years after D-Day...well, more like D-3months. I treated myself to a trip to visit a friend who is the only one of my friends who really knows what happened. As we talked about this stuff and she asked questions, I realized at least I wasn't crying. I could actually TALK about it- from a distance- and tell her where I was in my understanding of the affairs and of my H's behavior. It was kind of strange- almost an out-of-body experience. So I know I'm changing, but I don't think it's surrendering. And I know I will NEVER get what I think would be justice for what he did...how could I? How do you get 10 years of your marriage back? How will he ever understand the depth of my pain and anger?
ReplyDeleteSO....scarred, but healing. Learning how to deal with my PTSD symptoms and periods of high anxiety and periods of residual anger which certainly isn't as intense as it once was.
I'd say that this must be what acceptance is. I used to think I accepted what happened, but this now FEELS like what acceptance should be. It's a deeper sense of being. I think it's more like resolving the problem. It's taken a lot of work and a ton of reflection and lots of learning. But finally I THINK I'm headed toward true acceptance (but I'm still aware that I could have a setback...again). Keeping my fingers crossed.
Anon55