So I had a great therapy session yesterday. One of the things I had been thinking about before I got there was recalling something significant with my ex from long ago. We were dating, living college style in a house with a group. I spent the better part of a year filing a large format journal with writings and drawings. Things out of my head, letters to him, poetry, my own stories and random doodles, sketches. I poured myself into this project because it was my way of being vulnerable and sharing myself with him. I gave him the book. Weeks went by and I heard nothing about it, so I asked. He responded that he couldn't read it. That it was "too much" for him. He literally used those words. Wow. And at the time, I accepted that answer. Of course I was too much. But now, of course, I see it as the first of many huge indicators that he would never truly ever show up for me emotionally. That his comfort would always come ahead of my care and feeding. He couldn't handle any kind of intimacy at all. And so my struggle lately has been, how did I miss this? How did I allow this? How did I do so, so badly for myself? And that's where this post comes in. I was doing the best that I could at the time with what I knew. My dysfunction fit in with his like a puzzle piece. It was exactly what I had been trained for by my mother. And I'm so mad, probably at myself, for not doing better, for not seeing, when he said the book I had made for him was "too much" that he was a selfish asshole. My therapist suggested that I ask for that book back. I know it is still around and frankly, he does not deserve it. She says may be a way to reclaim myself a little. She also helped me see that character is very difficult to change, even when we want to and my ex doesn't really want to. And that I need to stop telling myself stories about his happiness or what his future will be like and instead focus on my own story (sound familiar?). It was a good reset. But I am a bit distracted today. I keep thinking about that book. I want to see it now and cringe at all my cute 20 something angst and art, maybe give that girl a hug or two. My new goal is to extend that girl some compassion for not knowing better, to read that book cover to cover, and forgive myself for choosing so poorly.
Oh my god, SS1. Talk about writing on the fucking wall (or the page!). "Too much". Damn straight. He was telling you right there, that he wasn't man enough for you. That you were too much for him. Too awesome. Too talented. Too vulnerable. Too deep. Too incredible. Too much of everything that threatened his need to feel worthy of you. I hope you do get that book back. And I hope you are able to use this memory not to beat yourself up -- because you were young and hopeful and had been groomed to tolerate crumbs -- but to celebrate that wide-eyed, open-hearted 20-year-old who had the guts to show herself.
My heart smiled at this i learned after dday forgiving him was oking it nor was it for him ... but it was to release ME. Holding on to it all is weighing and so damn heavy. Let it go onward upward and forward my prettiest doesn't mean i dont think about it or dismiss it just that i refuse to let it smother me and make me hallow and bitter. Im.looking for the sparkle in every day its a choice every day.
Elle yes ... its there sometimes just hard to see ... gotta look hard. But sparkle is always there ... like in the trolls movie we just have to remind ourselves happiness sparkle glitter lives within us. Always!
LOST AA ... well let me start by saying all our stories are diff but the same all apart of a club we never would sign up for by choice but so glad u gals are here! Dday flattened my world like a bulldozer, my H told me as he was in to deep and his ow batshit crazy! It had been going on for years. I confronted her. My H even got stuck in fog and fucked her again after dday ... his rock bottom though stop this shit or lose it all! I fell apart ... it consumed my every waking minute analyzing dates, bills, how i got kids to school or worked each day is beyond me when i cried and felt stuck to bathroom floor and then on top of the deepest pain i ever knew i sustained an injury that required major surgery i still wonder if stress or rapid weight loss contributed to this injury? Nonetheless i found myself at my worse mentally and physically and had no choice but to rely on my H to help me while i recovered talk about tough and i has weeks on end in pain and then recovery that i had nothing but time to think yep all in same year and i learned full circle control its illusion truly u only have control of yourself and so almost 8mo out on new years eve at midnight i decided to let it go to try and release myself actually saying i will try to forgive you.
Part 2 ... and with that i put myself first too ... i needed to get a picture that made sense i was driving myself nuts and ill warn ve careful what you ask or dig for u cant unknown things and some things i wish i can forget ... i still thought about it but obsessed and cried less. I got my self care front and center excercise pretty toes and on days it was to hard i didnt push myself to do more then just show up. Id say about 2 years in i could go without thinking about it every minute of the day. But its there. By 3 years it improved greatly in even smiling and just this past month im starting to organize my house room by room and keep excercise or letting myself off hook and be gentle to me when needed. Its still there but not so front and center.
Part 3 ... i still have my slide backs or feel bad when H and I are off but i can go most of day not thinking about it or now qhen i do it is not blood boiling heart racing balls to the wall melt down. 3.5 years im feeling like me only w boundries and selfcare in focus. Im sure we have alot to still work on and i still have my days but after rambling... simply ... i feel love is a choice i can make everyday ... angry resentment sadness just weighed me down i deserve more then that and this life i worked hard for is still mine if i want it ... she the ow could have been anyone really and perfection is overrated ...nothing i do is going to make him cheat or not cheat thats on him ... all i can do is keep my actions in check and take in each day ... next right step right warriors thats it. I look for the sparkle in each day and tell myself on bad days it can be worse somehow? Chin up ... chanting im wounded not broken. This blog and wounded sister saved me. The land of flatness is excoriating. Lonley noone knows and my heart is at times broken better yet trust is hard but we are strong bitches and ill show up and continue to try each day. I hope this made some sense i could go on for pages and know i still have a long way to go.
Hi Wounded, thanks for sharing your story. Yes, we are getting stronger each day. We are unbeatable.The more people want to get us down, the faster we bounce back. Hugs ...
So I had a great therapy session yesterday. One of the things I had been thinking about before I got there was recalling something significant with my ex from long ago. We were dating, living college style in a house with a group. I spent the better part of a year filing a large format journal with writings and drawings. Things out of my head, letters to him, poetry, my own stories and random doodles, sketches. I poured myself into this project because it was my way of being vulnerable and sharing myself with him. I gave him the book. Weeks went by and I heard nothing about it, so I asked. He responded that he couldn't read it. That it was "too much" for him. He literally used those words. Wow.
ReplyDeleteAnd at the time, I accepted that answer. Of course I was too much. But now, of course, I see it as the first of many huge indicators that he would never truly ever show up for me emotionally. That his comfort would always come ahead of my care and feeding. He couldn't handle any kind of intimacy at all.
And so my struggle lately has been, how did I miss this? How did I allow this? How did I do so, so badly for myself? And that's where this post comes in. I was doing the best that I could at the time with what I knew. My dysfunction fit in with his like a puzzle piece. It was exactly what I had been trained for by my mother. And I'm so mad, probably at myself, for not doing better, for not seeing, when he said the book I had made for him was "too much" that he was a selfish asshole.
My therapist suggested that I ask for that book back. I know it is still around and frankly, he does not deserve it. She says may be a way to reclaim myself a little. She also helped me see that character is very difficult to change, even when we want to and my ex doesn't really want to. And that I need to stop telling myself stories about his happiness or what his future will be like and instead focus on my own story (sound familiar?). It was a good reset.
But I am a bit distracted today. I keep thinking about that book. I want to see it now and cringe at all my cute 20 something angst and art, maybe give that girl a hug or two. My new goal is to extend that girl some compassion for not knowing better, to read that book cover to cover, and forgive myself for choosing so poorly.
Great idea from your therapist ss1, your right he doesn’t deserve it!! He didn’t deserve you honey .. xx
DeleteOh my god, SS1. Talk about writing on the fucking wall (or the page!). "Too much". Damn straight. He was telling you right there, that he wasn't man enough for you. That you were too much for him. Too awesome. Too talented. Too vulnerable. Too deep. Too incredible. Too much of everything that threatened his need to feel worthy of you.
DeleteI hope you do get that book back. And I hope you are able to use this memory not to beat yourself up -- because you were young and hopeful and had been groomed to tolerate crumbs -- but to celebrate that wide-eyed, open-hearted 20-year-old who had the guts to show herself.
My heart smiled at this i learned after dday forgiving him was oking it nor was it for him ... but it was to release ME. Holding on to it all is weighing and so damn heavy. Let it go onward upward and forward my prettiest doesn't mean i dont think about it or dismiss it just that i refuse to let it smother me and make me hallow and bitter. Im.looking for the sparkle in every day its a choice every day.
ReplyDeleteHi wounded, how long do you take to let it go? Mind to share what your experience on how/ what you did?
DeleteLost_AA
Wounded,
DeleteI love that -- looking for the sparkle in every day. I absolutely believe it's there.
Elle yes ... its there sometimes just hard to see ... gotta look hard. But sparkle is always there ... like in the trolls movie we just have to remind ourselves happiness sparkle glitter lives within us. Always!
DeleteFirst enrty ... forgiving him WASNT oking it ... not was as i wrote.
DeleteLOST AA ... well let me start by saying all our stories are diff but the same all apart of a club we never would sign up for by choice but so glad u gals are here! Dday flattened my world like a bulldozer, my H told me as he was in to deep and his ow batshit crazy! It had been going on for years. I confronted her. My H even got stuck in fog and fucked her again after dday ... his rock bottom though stop this shit or lose it all! I fell apart ... it consumed my every waking minute analyzing dates, bills, how i got kids to school or worked each day is beyond me when i cried and felt stuck to bathroom floor and then on top of the deepest pain i ever knew i sustained an injury that required major surgery i still wonder if stress or rapid weight loss contributed to this injury? Nonetheless i found myself at my worse mentally and physically and had no choice but to rely on my H to help me while i recovered talk about tough and i has weeks on end in pain and then recovery that i had nothing but time to think yep all in same year and i learned full circle control its illusion truly u only have control of yourself and so almost 8mo out on new years eve at midnight i decided to let it go to try and release myself actually saying i will try to forgive you.
ReplyDeletePart 2 ... and with that i put myself first too ... i needed to get a picture that made sense i was driving myself nuts and ill warn ve careful what you ask or dig for u cant unknown things and some things i wish i can forget ... i still thought about it but obsessed and cried less. I got my self care front and center excercise pretty toes and on days it was to hard i didnt push myself to do more then just show up. Id say about 2 years in i could go without thinking about it every minute of the day. But its there. By 3 years it improved greatly in even smiling and just this past month im starting to organize my house room by room and keep excercise or letting myself off hook and be gentle to me when needed. Its still there but not so front and center.
ReplyDeletePart 3 ... i still have my slide backs or feel bad when H and I are off but i can go most of day not thinking about it or now qhen i do it is not blood boiling heart racing balls to the wall melt down. 3.5 years im feeling like me only w boundries and selfcare in focus. Im sure we have alot to still work on and i still have my days but after rambling... simply ... i feel love is a choice i can make everyday ... angry resentment sadness just weighed me down i deserve more then that and this life i worked hard for is still mine if i want it ... she the ow could have been anyone really and perfection is overrated ...nothing i do is going to make him cheat or not cheat thats on him ... all i can do is keep my actions in check and take in each day ... next right step right warriors thats it. I look for the sparkle in each day and tell myself on bad days it can be worse somehow? Chin up ... chanting im wounded not broken. This blog and wounded sister saved me. The land of flatness is excoriating. Lonley noone knows and my heart is at times broken better yet trust is hard but we are strong bitches and ill show up and continue to try each day. I hope this made some sense i could go on for pages and know i still have a long way to go.
ReplyDeleteHi Wounded, thanks for sharing your story. Yes, we are getting stronger each day. We are unbeatable.The more people want to get us down, the faster we bounce back.
DeleteHugs ...
Lost_AA