 |
| This cat is having none of your blame. Let's all be this cat. |
Wives, you will NEVER build your man up by belittling and disrespecting him. Think about your words before you speak.That stupid tweet infuriates me.
It's so patronizing. I can practically see the finger wagging in my face, chastising me for not keeping my man "happy". (As an aside, I tend to resist any advice that comes from anybody who refers to my husband as "my man". Please.)
There's plenty of advice like this floating around, on social media, in articles and books. And the underlying message is always the same: You can keep your husband "happy" (ie. faithful) by behaving in a certain way. Or to put the message more succinctly: You control whether or not your husband cheats.
Before I go any further, let me make it clear that I think belittling, demeaning, humiliating and so on are toxic to any relationship. The single greatest predictor of marital breakdown is contempt. So I am most definitely not saying it's okay to belittle, demean or humiliate your husband on a regular basis (you're forgiven for the occasional jab in the wake of infidelity cause, c'mon, he kinda has it coming).
What I reject is this notion – and it's pervasive – that happy men don't cheat. That happy men don't even think about it.
That, as so many of us know, is a total lie.
Cause another thing statistics tell us is that the majority of men who cheat insist that they're "happy" in their marriage. While women typically cheat to get out of a marriage, men cheat with every intention of staying in their marriage. There are exceptions, of course. But typically.
So let me make clear the truth:
You did not make your husband cheat and you cannot stop him if he is determined to cheat.
You have far less control over other people than you think you do.
Which feels terrifying for a whole lot of us.
I thought that if I was the reason my husband cheated, then I could also be the reason he didn't cheat. So, while it was devastating to think that my husband cheated because I wasn't fill-in-the-blank enough (smart, sexy, interesting, young...), it nonetheless felt better at the time than thinking I had nothing to do with it. Cause if I didn't cause him to cheat, I had no control over whether he continued to, or whether he cheated again.
And lack of control, to a control-freak like I was, felt horrible.
You would think I'd have figured out a long time ago that I had little control over others' choices, after realizing that nothing I could say or do stopped my mother's descent into addiction. But I hadn't. We children of addicts are famously insistent that we're more powerful than we are. If we can just be...something, then everyone will stop this nonsense and we'll get our family back.
H'mmm.
Sound familiar at all to you? If I can just make myself look younger/thinner/sexier. If I can just be calmer/more fun/less tired.
I've got bad (and good!) news for you. It won't matter. At least not long term.
But something good does happen when we finally get that we aren't the reason our husbands cheated -- not the real reason. And that something good is we finally understand that we control so much less than we thought but that we control the only thing that really matters: ourselves.
Which sometimes means that changes need to occur. Not to keep him faithful but to respect yourself. Maybe you really do need to take better care of yourself. Maybe you really do need to raise your expectations of yourself and your own behaviour. Maybe it's time to consider that it's not his betrayal of you that's the real kicker but the betrayal of yourself. The loss of yourself.
But that change must come from a place of self-care, not a misguided belief that it will keep him faithful.
So, to recap: Don't belittle or demean or humiliate your husband (or anyone else) because that demeans you to behave that way. Think about your words before you speak, especially when you're speaking to yourself.
Insist on being treated with respect and honesty. Start by respecting and being honest with yourself.
You can't stop someone from betraying you. But you can ensure that you don't do it to yourself.
It is not my job to build my man up. Treat him with dignity, yes. But he has to take responsibility for his self esteem. It was precisely his failure to take that responsibility that led to his cheating. He wants women to make him feel better about himself and validate him. I will not do that at my expense--i.e ignoring all the crappy immature behavior that he kept engaging in. In fact I will say that his failure to keep me happy was what led to his infidelity. "Happy wife, happy life" as the saying goes. Pissed off wife, means no noogie and little affection. If anyone "should" have cheated, I should have. I thought about it for a split second and thought to myself, "I could never hurt him that way. That would just be too low." We are not responsible for our husbands' happiness. We are responsible for living with dignity, love, generosity and kindness. But others' happiness, no way.
ReplyDeleteHell yes, to every word you wrote.
DeleteHi MBS
DeleteAs with Elle, Yes to what you wrote EXCEPT I never thought of cheating.
My ex was so rude to me on many occasions and spent too many hours flirting with other women/having affairs to make himself feel better also. Yep. So not being nice to me does not automatically mean I will then be available to your needs, just so you can get off.
Good riddance to such a pathetic human.
Hugs
Gabby xo
Everything in this post was a wake up call/revelation for me. I had no frame of reference when dday hit. I only knew what society said/tv/movies/books. I am grateful that in the first few days after dday I remember sobbing about everything you said above and my husband setting me straight saying he was the problem. It rattled me and kind of woke me up. He knows it from his training. It was hard for me to grasp at first. Pretty much everything I had been taught is that I was in control, I had done all the right things in our relationship/marriage, as a mom, health wise, career wise etc. I am thankful he was there to point that out right away. It still took time to get a complete grasp of all of this. On the hard days I remind myself of all of these things and focus on me.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad he was able to recognize that and that you got it so quickly. Far too many guys go along with (or actively cultivate)a wife's self-blame.
DeleteI am so glad to report that i never took responsibility for “my man” (gah) cheating. I always had that knowledge. It was not my fault and he never tried to blame me. I also know I’ll never stop it from Happening again. So i protect myself with boundaries. If it happens again , he’s on his own. That’s MY rule.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of which, My Heartbreak, My Rules is gaining a life of its own on Twitter. ;)
DeleteThe thing that I struggle with is that I wholeheartedly believe this when it comes to other couples. Why can’t I extend that same sort of understanding and compassion to myself?
ReplyDeleteMy husband has never once blamed me and takes full responsibility for everything. So why can’t I quit blaming myself? Maybe I just can’t get over the control thing. Maybe I just thought so highly of him before the affair that I STILL can’t believe this happened. Maybe I’m afraid to face his actual problems, and what they mean for our relationship.
It really helps to hear the message of today’s post. I probably need to re-read about every 15 minutes. Maybe then it’ll sink in ;)
Erin,
DeleteI think a whole lot of us have no problem expressing empathy and compassion for OTHER betrayed wives. But that script in our heads, which likely extends far beyond our imagined shortcomings re. infidelity and extends into all sorts of other things, is tough because a lot of us don't hear it anymore. WE've internalized the message rather than recognizing that so much of what we tell ourselves is the product of a culture that blames women for just about everything, especially related to relationships, which we are supposed to be the caretakers of.
Erin, I find that through this recovery process a lot of this I get intellectually but when applied to my life and add in emotions and history it is much harder. For me it has been a process. I literally have to say to myself "stop saying or thinking that" when I go there. I think it is a life time of living in this society. I also struggled the same as you. Once you accept it then it changes your entire past and reality. It took a lot of therapy working through all of this for me to get to a point of being able to move forward. My therapist said some people just can't do that. In the end it took a long time and there are days I still question it all but that is rare now. Also many of the challenges in this recovery process I can see they are habits. Whether they are from childhood, young adult hood or that developed during our marriage/relationship. Those are not easy to change after 20-25+ years. It takes a lot of daily effort.
DeleteDon't be too hard on yourself. I sat daily in the quiet and really thought about what I needed next. Sometimes it was small things and other times more major. Then I told my husband. Even though he was doing the "right" things I needed something else at times.
One of the first things I said to my WH on DDay was 'people will think it's because of me'. He was completely horrified that that was my train of thought. But his behaviour in the months leading up to DDay while in the midst of his affair and a mental breakdown had fully made me question my worth. Another ugly gift in a long long list of consequences he'd never considered.
ReplyDeleteHe never once blamed me and has categorically confirmed it was not about any of my self perceived flaws. But hearing that and believing it, when you've spent your whole life being thrown out false messages about infidelity subconsciously everywhere you turn, Make it hard to stay in a healthy mindset. Infidelity references seem to seep out everywhere you turn - books, tv, movies, advertising, social media. I had never noticed before. In my low moments I still sink back into the 'If only I had done....'"If only I was...' mentality. It's self sabotage because I know nothing I could have done or been could have stopped him having his affair. It was 100% down to his own flaws (colliding with the flaws of his AP), that enabled it to happen.
With two daughters to raise I seem to have become hyper aware of the messages we are fed every day. The whole Infidelity/relationships thing colliding with the 'me too' stuff.... It's quite horrifying when you realise the degree we have been indoctrinated slowly and steadily over our lifetime. I really feel like this whole experience has removed the blinkers. A positive thing? Perhaps. But it's also a bit scary!
Yes Yes Yes!! That is exactly how I feel. I also thought about the most famous, beautiful, talented women or at least by public standards are cheated on. They seem to have it all. Of course who knows. But at least for all those surface things it can happen to anyone since it is not about us.
DeleteGreat point about our kids. I am constantly using the lessons I have learned with them. It is not easy but I try to see the good that has come from that. I hope that I can make them more aware and learn to take care of themselves. My husband still struggles with guilt and shame but one thing he has told me is it has made a huge difference at work. He is in the mental health field and I know he has a new appreciation for women that go through this and also sets men straight. Ultimately it is up to each person if they want to stay but based on his transformation I hope he can help others figure out what they need and want in the relationships in their lives.
Luly,
DeleteI'm also mom to two daughters and it's part of how I, too, became conscious of just how toxic the messages are that girls, in particular, marinate in. And it's a BIG part of what helped me decide to stop doing to myself what our culture already does -- hold us responsible for everything.
And that, as much as I hate to admit it, can be something of a silver-ish lining in this. Clearly those messages of your self-worth pre-date the infidelity. And that your husband is horrified that you believe those things about yourself tells me that this is something you've carried with you a long time. So this is your wake-up call. Time to pull those toxic beliefs into the sunlight and really examine them. Who first planted the seed that you don't measure up? Who watered those thoughts? Fertilized those thoughts? What made them grow and spread?
And then...it's time to pull those thoughts out like weeds and make room for the flowers of healthy thoughts. That you are just fine as you are. That you are worth loving. That you are worth being loyal to. That you are enough.
I really needed to hear this today. My H as been in a bad mood the last 2 days, and that is so triggering for me. That's the only warning I had that something wasn't right before Dday. Now it is like a yellow warning light that sends me into a panic looking for reassurance in phone records and facebook accounts. I think bad moods are ok from time to time for most healthy humans, but for me it sends me on an immediate scavenger hunt for clues. This post reminds me that I'm not responsible for his mood, and further more, I'm not responsible to be constantly vigilant either. Eyes open and asking the tough questions, yes. Seeking deeper connections, yes. If he is a crazy person who cheats again, he will still be one tomorrow and I can deal with it then. Or perhaps he has the holiday blues and will be in a better mood. No need to stay up all night looking for clues either way. I have a responsibility to my own mood, after all.
ReplyDeleteann, this happens to me still too. I am hyper aware of everything especially related to my husband. Our situation was odd since he broke up with both ow 15 months before dday so things were actually better with us. He told me he could not live the way he was and he was trying but the guilt and shame hung over him. But it does bring me back to those times in our marriage where I imagine he was in contact with the ow and was less that engaged around home. I have learned that if I sense anything I bring it up immediately. Usually it is work, not feeling well, tired etc. But I decided early on I am not going to sit on this. One time he was so off and one of the two ow had contacted him at work. He was waiting for the kids to go to bed. He was very snappy with the kids. I asked him what was going on and he showed me the text and said he did not want to text me about it or bring it up while the kids were up. I was glad to see how bothered he was. Same with triggers. I bring them up in advance or right away.
Deleteann,
DeleteIt's really tough, isn't it? My biggest challenge is releasing myself for responsibility for everyone's mood. I grew up believing myself responsible and it's a habit that's so hard to break. But...when we know better, we do better, right?
On that note about placing fault on the female in an infidelity situation, I watched the old episode of Friends last night (by mistake) where Ross and Rachel break up because Ross accidentally thinks they are already broken up and sleeps with someone else. They were on a break, remember... The writers of the show HAD to do that. They HAD to make it poor communication from Rachel to Ross that caused him to feel it was OK to have sex with the other person. Then he HAD to be completely blindsided that Rachel was upset about it. If they wrote it any other way, the viewer would never feel any sympathy for Ross and he would have had to leave the show. If she had been more clear and less angry with him, he NEVER would have done that. Poor him. He wants her back. If only she would understand! Now we want to keep watching what happens to him. I think our husbands made those kinds of stories in their minds that let them off the hook too. Society does it for cheaters in general too. Everyone is trying to keep everyone in the storyline. We (betrayed wives) may be the only ones who know and appreciate that people who screw up royally do not have to be excused to still be part of the story line. There are stories of change, renewal, and redemption right next to stories as dark as a Netflix remake of an Icelandic tragedy. It is too bad our society wants to treat infidelity stories like Disney movies or sitcoms... simple, black and white, and NEVER the fault of a main character. (we were on a break! my wife is always too busy for me! my wife is too (insert adjective)!) I respect shows with a bit more depth and complexity I guess if they are going to try to tackle serious issues. Ross was flawed. Ross got it wrong. Ross missed out.
ReplyDeleteahhhh this episode irritates the hell out of me and I looooove Friends. Its my fave. But this episode. He KNEW he was wrong. KNEW it. Told Rachel how sorry he was and because she didn't say she forgave him right away now he is mad. WTF?? Sound similar to almost every man out there... just sayin.. Who jumps into bed with someone (EVEN IF THEY WERE ON A BREAK) the SAME day as their "break up"?? Just goes to show that ANY MAN is capable of cheating. Ross loved Rachel since high school and then GOT HER. And still Cheated. uggg
Delete"Pick me. Choose Me. Love Me."
DeleteThis was an example that our marriage therapist used with my WH. At the time it seems so romantic - a woman telling the man she loves to please just love her back.
WHY THE FUCK ARE WE immortalizing this as a romantic guesture when it's the OW begging the WH to pick her over his WIFE?!?!?!
And why ... oh why ... would you use that as an example when you KNOW he fucking cheated on me?
Sorry ... trigger fail ... the F word comes out when I'm anxious.
I think this is exactly why I had the view I did of betrayal and I think you are right this is how our husbands see it. Or at least most of the time it is the woman's fault, they minimize the betrayal and after effects, men deserve this/to be happy etc... It amazes me how many shows, movies, books etc are like this now that I have been through this. One funny story is I read Gone Girl and wanted to see the movie. My husband agreed to a date night and we went together. He had no idea at all what it was about. He said that was really horrible sitting through that. Kind of made me laugh actually. I had no idea at the time of course.
DeleteOh yeah...it's a trope, isn't it? The misunderstood guy who was just seeking comfort in the arms of someone else. So typical, sadly, of men who, rather than actually figure out the dynamics of their relationship problems, simply distract themselves with another shiny object and then act completely baffled when their partner is devastated.
DeleteSS1 rant - part 1
ReplyDeleteLordy, (there might be some triggery stuff in here around sex - I will not be graphic, but just a heads up) where to even start with this one. (also, this is a giant rant) My ex blamed me for everything wrong in his life, including his choices to cheat, for all the ways he was unhappy, why we had a very difficult sex life, why he was stressed and miserable. Ev.Ery.THING. was laid at my feet. Apparently if I had tried harder, kept myself up, not had depression, done more around the house, looked more to his needs, etc. etc. ad nauseum.
Everything was always about him, and yet, ironically, he could not see how he was responsible for his own unhappiness, until it was too late (and I'm not sure he completely gets it even now, though he sometimes seems to get pieces). He still loves to be a little bit of a victim. He’s started to refer to the alimony, not just as alimony but with phrases like “I hope the padding in the alimony is letting you do the things you want.” Not as passive aggressive as it sounds typed out, but more about how much he is having to cut corners to meet his commitments. I’m over here thinking, “um fuck you?” “I earned every goddamn penny of this money and then some.” (Which I have actually said to him.) I’m sorry that during the affair fog you were, high on your overconfidence and over estimated your ability to support the family and life your imaginary NY city life with your side piece. How’d that work out for you? The same guy who thinks it is Ok to “share” with me how tight things are for him right now that he’s delayed paying his electric bill, was on the same day, taking his new GF out to lunch and going out for drinks later with friends. Sounds like choices, dude. And there are consequences for all of our choices. Ringing a bell? No?
He definitely went the "turn your spouse into a villain to justify your cheating" route. I was frigid, withholding sex (which was his due of course) and only wanted him for his earning capacity anyway. I didn't really love him. He had convinced himself of that long before dday, by ignoring all the ways I tried to demonstrate how I loved him and zeroing in on the one issue, that Ii wasn't ready for sex with him 24/7. This is because it was the only way he knew how to validate his low self esteem.
He failed to see that he only knew how to take and that even though he never physically coerced me, I was never allowed to say no. Not really. I did, but there was always a huge emotional price to pay Shame, sulking, emotional withdrawl. No recognition of what a tough time I might have been having or how scared he made me. And in the meantime, I got no affection outside of that. No encouragement. No support when I struggled with depression. It was only about what a burden it was for him. (Imagine then, guy, what a burden it was for me). No empathy when I has having a herpes outbreak and was trying to protect him, only more guilt and shame because he doubted I was really having an episode and was rather trying to "get out of" sex. So, call me a liar on top of the existing shame around that particular STD. There was so much pressure to have sex, but no love and support at any other time. No wonder I started to flinch when he touched me. No wonder I couldn't say yes. It’s hard to give an open yes, when no isn't really an option. And so instead of being able to see his part in the dynamic, he blamed it all on me. And to some degree, so did the couples therapist we went to more than a decade ago. Apparently, I needed to relax, meditate, open up and my ex was advised to take me out to dinner more. Sigh. And because I was trained from early childhood to take responsibility for everything and already believed that if something was going wrong, it must be my fault, I bought the lies. Hook, line and sinker.
SS1 rant - part 2
ReplyDeleteSo. (more trigger stuff) Over time, he convinced himself that I didn't love him and so wouldn't care if he went out to massage joints and had sex workers "meet his needs." Because I wouldn't, because I was willfully withholding his due. He had been taking himself out of the marriage and lying and hiding for at least five years before he had his full blown affair. And no wonder. By then he'd done so much damage to himself, he was an empty shell of a person. And his emotional absence from the marriage made it less likely that I was going to feel safe "opening up" to him.
So fast forward to dday, of course I believed it was my fault. That if I had been sexier, more available, less depressed and lonely (which was all my fault) basically, if I had been up for sex 24/7, he wouldn't have cheated. What a steaming pile of bullshit.
I've come a long way since then. (turns out I am not frigid. shocker. I am fine being physical with a partner when I feel emotionally safe and valued. No one is surprised by this, I bet.) Still have a ways to go because those "not enough messages" still ring in my head when I'm low or doubting that I'm doing the right thing. He did eventually tell me that he recognizes, now, that it wasn't my fault. That because of childhood abuse, never disclosed or dealt with, he was a time bomb waiting to go off. That he only ever learned how to take. And I'm still pissed about it. About so many things. And if he is on his way to being a better guy (which is sometimes yes, seems like it, and sometimes its the same old shit) why then, do I still get the short end of the stick. Why is some other fucking bitch going to reap the benefits of all my years of suffering and effort and sacrifice? I'm sulking in my corner saying "its not fair!" but life isn't fair.
It's hard to revisit this stuff but, I think its important for me to remember what a selfish ass he was and still is. He still doesn’t pause and reflect for a second to consider how his words or actions might affect me. Him: he’s finally realized what a broken piece of shit the OW was. He’s feeling angry, but also some degree of relief at being free of her (we’ll see…) and so he feels like unburdening himself of that to ME. Because it will make him feel better, but don’t look at how that might be incredibly painful for me to hear, that after all this time, he finally woke up, but it was too late for me. Or. Him: been serial dating and god knows relentlessly. I’ve stayed out of it (despite well intentioned neighbors, or just gossipy neighbors trying to fill me in – why do people think I want ANY details about this man’s escapades?). But because he’s finally decided he’s met someone he wants to see ongoing. He’s excited and going to introduce her to mutual friends and feels compelled to tell me, in person, so I don’t hear it through the grapevine. But there’s an element of his excitement he wants to “share” too. And when I start crying he’s like “but it’s a happy thing.” Really, asshole? On what fucking planet do you think it is OK for you to expect me to be happy that you are once again, choosing anything or anyone but me? And I’m just supposed to lay here and take it. Feels mighty familiar. And that’s probably why it hurts so much and has been such a set back.
And my adult child or an alcoholic self starts to second guess. Is it really like that? Am I imagining that he is so bad, so selfish or that he cares about me so little? (Because if your mom is hung over every morning and doesn’t get up before noon but everyone tells you everything is fine, you start to doubt the evidence of your own eyes.). A lot of you have been telling me I need less contact with him. Its true. I let my guard down and got blind sided again. I need to get him out of my life more. For my own sake. I know I am better when he’s less of a factor.
That’s my wad. Thanks for listening.
Wow SS1. It's amazing (but not surprising) to see you question your own reality. You are a reasonable, rational, sane person describing her experience within a relationship. But it's further evidence of just how unsafe you felt in that relationship that you're still entertaining the possibility that you might be recollecting it wrong. Seriously -- wow. This guy did a number on you and i wonder if each your dysfunction fed into the others. He is self-absorbed, you're incredible other-focused. You each knew each other's dance steps but it was a toxic dance.
DeleteNow...you're free of that. And I know I've said it before but his talking to you about his finances, what he's doing with his gf etc. is just completely inappropriate under the circumstances. I understand the impulse to get along because of your kids and to be "friends" but I just think that's something you're going to need to grow into with time. Right now, I think the relationship needs to have a lot more distance. I probably sound like your mother but I worry that this is more of you being the cool, awesome ex-wife rather than really respecting your own needs/wants.
Elle, thanks for this. You've said some pretty eye opening things tome. That this guy did a number on me. And I'm thinking that I have placed way too much emphasis on the impact of my childhood, which certainly trained me in the dysfunction that fit nicely with his. And instead have not placed nearly enough blame on my ex, who trained me for 20+ years in not being good enough and always to blame. I've already placed more distance both in physical space, communications and in my own head. And guess what? I feel better.
DeleteHe very much wants us to be the cool, formerly married couple who are now besties. And so per my training, I was unconsciously trying to fall in line with that. But guess what again? That's not how I feel . I don't really like him. He's selfish, superficial and while not entirely lacking in empathy, certainly doesn't exercise what limited skills he does have in my favor. So ... fuck him. I don't need to act cool in front of neighbors unless it suits me. I can be civil and cooperative where kids and money are concerned. But otherwise, I don't want to know. I'm not interested in making him feel better or off the hook.
It is crazy that I second guess my own version of my story and lay that blame on my childhood and not more on him and his masterful manipulation of my thoughts and feelings.
So guard up with the ex. Thanks Elle, for helping me see that I'm still doing the old pattern with this guy, even at a distance.
I know that I am not perfect and never have been. BUT I tried. I made efforts left and right, met his needs any time he wanted. LITERALLY. I never said no. regardless of what I wanted. Not only to make him happy, not only because I felt the obligation as the wife to do so, but because it was EASIER. If I didn't do it that night, I would have to do it at some point. so might as well get it over with. Who cared how I felt. His needs were priority. and he STILL cheated. I knew from day one that it wasn't MY fault. That he chose to pursue someone else instead of me. He was 100% at fault. But I can definetely see why a woman would place blame. I was one of the fortunate ones that didn't attempt to gaslight me or blame me for anything. I think deeeep down he KNEW that I was on that edge of leaving him or kicking him out for more than a weekend (and only let him come back and stay on the couch because I didn't want to ruin our kids christmas) and he needed to watch his p's and q's very carefully. I agree with you Elle, nothing we say or do gives them the ok to cheat. It was their choice alone.
ReplyDeleteNONE of us is perfect, TT. But each of us is perfectly enough.
DeleteSS 1 - we could have been married to the same guy. Seriously. My WH said some of the same things about how he felt like I didn't ... so he ... blah blah blah.
ReplyDeleteSadly - 4 days before DDay my husband sent me the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" e-mail. This was 9 days after my 8 year old told me he thought dad was cheating on me. I was such a fool (yes, yes, yes ... I know ... kind words Kimberly ... kind words) that I didn't even put 2 and 2 together at that point because when I asked him who she was he got pissy. So what did I do? Did I go searching in his e-mails, his phone records, his Facebook account? OH NO!!! Kimberly went looking for articles on how to make your spouse love you again!
WTF! LOVE ME! What I've since learned is that he couldn't possibly love me at that moment ... I was NOT what he was after.
SS1 ... I'm sorry you were triggered by this post as well ... but I'm not sorry to realize I'm not alone in this shit hole of infidelity.
WH is off in Vegas this week. It's an all week conference. I'm at home with my 3 baby loves trying to test the waters on single motherhood. Day 1 we made it out the door on time. Day 2 ... 5 minutes later than needed AND I left my pump parts at home. Not feeling like I have my shit together on this dreary cold winter morning.
Really. All I want to do is go curl up in front of the TV with my fuzzy blanket.
Kimberly,
DeleteI might have experienced a single glorious day when I had my shit together with my three kids. Mostly I remember never quite getting it right and being CONVINCED that every other mother did. Well...as my kids have grown up and we mothers have become more honest, every single one of us has admitted we were winging it. Doing the best we could. Loving our imperfect kids with our imperfect selves. And that, my friend, is enough.
Kimberly, thanks for your note and concern. I was not triggered by the post so much as warning others that things in my post might be triggering to them. Right after dday anything about sex, (tv, movies, art, discussions, jokes) set me off, so I am trying to be sensitive to others here on the site.
ReplyDeleteIt's crazy that your 8 year old sensed what was happening and said something to you. I think kids are really tuned in and can tell when something threatens their safety. And a heating parent is certainly a threat to them as well. My daughter, in the aftermath of dday, said to me she had been sure her dad was cheating when she was 12. Turns out she was right and neither of us knew it. Crazy stuff.
And though you went looking for articles on how to make him love you, (I did the same thing), you may have done yourself a bigger favor than you know by not doing more detective work about him and her. Somethings you just can't unknow, even if its just that she sent him a stupid cutsey (barf) emoji or something stupid like that.
The main theme of this post that society blames the woman, is, in my opinion, part of a larger societal problem where women get blamed for a lot of shit that is simply not their fault.
And if you made it to the end of the day and you and your babies are all still breathing, that's a parenting win. You don't need to have all your shit together. Go curl up with your fuzzy blanket. :)
It's either one of two reasons.
ReplyDeleteDenial - they can't admit to themselves that it takes "two to tango" therefore passing all the blame to the other person. This can also be mixed into #2
Love - they are willing to give them a second chance but because they are angry and hurt. They will lash out to the second best thing to blame. Someone who isn't their lover.
It is always recommended to check his online activities if you doubt cheating. here is an online service which will helo you do it.