Wednesday, December 5, 2018

Guest Post: Light Your Candle

by StillStanding1

I’m not going to lie. These holidays and the run up to New Year’s Day is some rough ground for me to cover. A wise friend – ahem, Elle – recently pointed out that I seemed to have a death grip on some idea of where I should be and what I should be feeling. And life isn’t lining up with my expectations. Why am I not over this yet? Why am I so angry? Why am I not handling this better? 
I’m not excited about Christmas. I’m tired. And when anyone asks me how I’m doing I give them a brittle toothed “Fine, everything’s fine here. How are you?” I’ve come to realize, however, that I am not fine and I am not alone in this. That same friend also gave me permission to loosen my grip, to admit that I’m not okay, that I don’t know what I need right now, and I don’t know where any of this is taking me. That I’m scared. That I’m tired. 
And I’m here to do the same for you: You officially have permission to not be okay right now and for as long as you need.
Each of us – most of us – has gone through or is going through something. Our hearts are broken. We’re grieving a life we thought we had or a childhood we should have had or a parent who never showed up for us or who chose alcohol or whatever else over us. We’ve suffered grievous wounds to our bodies or souls or both. Little, everyday things remind us of what happened, what’s gone, what should have been or what isn’t.
At this time of year, more than most, we are told we should celebrate, we should savor, gather, spend, deck the halls, be merry. But sometimes, when you are grieving, seeing the joy of others only provides poignant contrast to what we lack, have lost or never had.  Even when we are in a good place, being surrounded, finally, by love can make us ache because it shows us what we deserved and missed all along. Or someone treating us as if we have worth feels alien because we don’t know what to do with it. We’re waiting for the other shoe to drop.
And so, we’re sad. And tired. And not sure we have energy to keep going. We try to put on a brave face. Try to be strong for our families and friends and shield them from how we are struggling. Next week we’ll rest. Next week we’ll do that thing for ourselves. For now, we just keep going. 
But when we try to protect others from our sadness or grief, we rob them of an opportunity to serve us, and in so doing, get in touch with something that’s best in themselves.
I’m here to tell you: Don’t grieve alone. Don’t keep your suffering hidden. Don’t be ashamed to admit that you need help. Be brave enough to acknowledge that you don’t want to be by yourself. That you don’t know what you need right now. That you are sad, depressed and can’t find your socks, let alone change them. Ask for help. Reach out. Wave a tiny white flag. Let someone safe know that you’ve had enough.
I’m also here to tell you that everything you are feeling is normal. This time of year is a rough go. But. People in your life love you and want to be there for you. If you are feeling worthless, or at the end of your rope, know that there is someone right now who needs you to keep breathing. Someone you have not even met yet will need your words or kindness on some distant day. Keep going. If you need to sit down or lay down and catch your breath, do it. 
Long before Christmas became the vast commercial and economic machine that it is today, it was about lighting a candle in the darkest, coldest days of the year and providing hope for brighter days ahead. It was a time to hunker down by the fire and rest, recover. Just be. Know that no feeling is forever. You will be okay. If you need help, have courage. Take a deep breath and ask for what you need.

33 comments:

  1. What a Heartwarming post ss1, I miss you and your true wisdom. Holding a candle in the dark sounds perfect to me. I might just do that this year. Take care of yourselves in these dark winter months ladies, ss1 is right ask for help if you need, once you do it will become easier to ask next time.

    I’m here with you all my lovely ladies sending you a pre Christmas hug .. love to you all xxx

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    1. Miss you Sam A. I wish we were right down the street so you could come over and have some christmas cheer with me. A nice cozy fire and hot, mulled cider..and lots of laughs.
      In fact, everyone would be welcome!!
      Big hugs

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  2. Thank you for this. It's been a long while since I've posted, but I check in all the time, and as usual, I read things that I could have written myself. I'm 6 days past D-Day 2 two years ago and it's been up and down for H and I. It's been slow going for us. He is still dragging his feet to dig deep and deal with his shit, and as a result, we've become stagnant. There's little connection, sex, conversation. Healing is pretty much at a stand still for us. I know he's not with her in any capacity, but we are not moving forward. We have good times, but I still don't know why he's here or loves me. It's been like that for years and I'm not diggin it. So I told him I need a break. I've asked him to leave twice this year but didn't stand behind in my decision. This time I have. I used to love the holiday season, but not so much lately. We have a dinner planned with family and friends on the 24th, but I'm so not into it right now and I'm okay with that. I'm so grateful for this time alone. I don't know how long it will be, or if it's permanent, but it has to be. I want/need the break. At first I thought about the discomfort of him contacting her, but I'd much rather deal with that than the unhappiness I feel when he is around. I'm actually not even trippin on what he is doing. I just don't care. I hope he knows better, but I don't care. I just need to focus on me and my well being.

    This year has been interesting. I've decided to climb the mountain, rather than carry it. My anxiety of what he's doing has mostly become sadness. Not much of a trade, but it's working for me right now. I spend more time being introspective and working shit out and I prefer that to anxiety any day. I lost my creative flow a few months back but I'm working on getting it going again by picking up my hook and making a little something every other day. I was accepted to be a infidelity peer counselor but the class was cancelled. I'm hoping to get the chance to help others. You all have been instrumental in my healing and I am forever grateful and would like to pay it forward. Still, there are hard and sad as fuck days, but I'm still here and kicking up a storm (when I have the energy). Much love to you all...Michelle ♥

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    1. olive mee, I'm so glad to hear from you, but sorry to hear that healing is at a stand still. I'm also so proud of you for choosing to take some time for yourself. Sometimes, after you've been working so hard at something, you just need a rest. And you've been wise enough to see that right now. Hang in there. Clarity will come.
      And hang in there with the peer counseling stuff. ICN was going through a transition and has a fabulous new exec dir now. That training will be coming in the new year. I think you'll be absolutely aces at it. And one of the things I've learned is that helping others can be incredibly healing to me too. So I wouldn't be surprised if you end up experiencing that too.
      XOXO

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    2. Olive Mee,
      It's wonderful to hear from you. And, as sad as you feel, I think you did something really important, which was honour your feelings and treat yourself with respect. Sometimes it's not the affair that kills the marriage but neglect. It sounds as though your husband either can't or won't invest himself in rebuilding your marriage.
      But you are investing in yourself, which will pay off huge for you. I love your refusal to carry the mountain any more but rather climb it. As you can imagine, mountain climbing is exhausting. But just think of the view from the top.

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  3. Stillstanding1,
    I have the same feeling as you. I am not excited about Christmas this year. There's a lot of flash back on those days when we were together celebrating Christmas. But, i am telling myself..It's ok to celebrate Christmas and welcome New Year alone. Probably i can do something different this year to make it a "special" one.
    For me, i prefer to grief alone as i feel that too many cooks spoil the broth. Sometimes other people might not really feel what we feel as we are the one that going through all this. Words seems to be easier than action.
    It's a tough year for me this year but i have confident that i will get through all this and will have a better 2019. One of the wish list for 2019 is to BE HAPPY and love myself more.
    Hug..

    Lost_AA

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    1. Lost_AA It is OK to do thing son your own. You can treat yourself like you have value, even when others in your life don't.
      You are also OK to grieve on your own terms, like your wounds, so to speak, but it is so important to know that you have someone in your corner 100%. That can be us here on the site. It can also be a therapist or counselor (if you don't go to therapy, I highly recommend finding someone who can help you find a path to healing.) My own therapist has been instrumental in my growth and progress. And the more people you let help you, the more perspectives you have to keep you grounded. Still, I know the urge to withdraw from life while you are still reeling and in pain. I did that too. Just don't isolate yourself to much.
      Focus on taking care of you!
      XOXO SS1

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  4. I really like this post. For me it's not the holidays that bother me so much as it is my wedding anniversary. DDay was about 7 weeks before our 25th wedding anniversary. I still can't bring myself to go out and celebrate it.
    Cathy

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    1. Cathy, I'm sorry those things have been lost or ruined for you. Maybe yu will find,over time and with healing, that there will be some new things to celebrate. I hope the sparkle comes back.

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  5. SS1, great post. So many times I'm conditioned not to ask. Not to rock the boat. Avoid. Avoid. Avoid. I read this and wanted to share, this about asking for something. This is a cheater, he says, my wife has been asking me to clean the garage our for a long time. Years. I've stopped and started but it never went anywhere. Anyway to to this day, its not cleaned out, not even a half-ass attempt. He goes on - The point is the garage got cleaned when it was important to ME to clean it not when it was important to HER. And even then it was only cleaned enough for MY needs, not what she asked for. Even if I went out and cleaned out one box a day at least she would see effort and progress. This is not about a garage but it is about me placing MY priorities over HERS every single time. When I do intend to do what she wants somehow it gets put on a back burner or an excuse gets made and never rectified. During the affair I showed her she doesn't matter to me at all and she is still getting the same message now. Cleaning the garage won't save my marriage. His conclusion is , But NOT cleaning may end it because it only shows her I have not changed my way of thinking or acting and that she still ranks below my in terms of what is important in my life.

    I just thought this was very insightful of him. I never could understand why sometimes he put off what I ask him to do but me I jump up like the house is on fire when he asks me to do something.

    Love to you SS1, we will make it through this season again.

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    1. That is excellent and totally my husband. This was a constant back and forth. Of me needing his help or support as I saw it. Him he saw it as me imposing my needs or desires on him. I of course got a song and dance about how in the mental health field I needed to understand that I cannot impose my timeline and needs around the house on him. Also I got the whole deal about how his dad did none of these things I was asking him to help with. (much of this included tasks related to our kids). Well that ended fast since I listed off all the things I did that his dad did. He would absolve himself of any responsibilities except to be the breadwinner. He had no idea how many bank accounts we had, what or how we paid in taxes etc... So I decided to start tracking a list of what I asked him to do just to get an idea if it was me or him. Well things like a light bulb would not get changed ever. I would wait three months and nothing. He did not have time. I decided I would hire a handyman to come once a month. Well his next comment to me was he was uncomfortable with this person being in our house with me alone. I laughed at him. He has told me since that he wonders if he was pushing the limits so I would leave him. That is the only thing he faults me for is not leaving him. So nice of him. Again my fault for not doing that and thinking of our kids or being confused by what I now know was two ten year sporadic affairs.

      Thanks!!

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    2. LLP thanks for this. We will make it through, all together holding each other up. This man you describe above was so my ex. I never understood why he could find the time to do the things that mattered to him, but never what mattered to me. And he was capable of being resentful about all the things he chose to do because I didn't do more around the house (also a complete crock). The big difference is that my ex never had the epiphany that the man in your example did. Never realized that he not only was showing me that he didn't care but that I was literally just not that important to him. I'm getting better at not jumping through hoops to make everything OK for this man that doesn't deserve my effort. Thank you LLP

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  6. I just want to remind those precious women on this site who are new to the Christmas infidelity spirit. This is not your fault although his why's are the hardest thing to understand. My H had flexible morals, he calls it, I call it bad character flaws that lead up the infidelity hill. I can only speak for my H. He felt entitled, which enables it and justifies it. Instead of talking about it, it just fuels the entitlement. They want to "have something for me". Then he avoided telling me his resentments. His resentments built over years. He just held it in which helped him feel entitled. He only had his needs and wants. He was living out his own entitlement and blaming me. It was a critical time in his life, he lost his mother, only brother and retired. That is just some of the why's. Let him show you why he deserves a second chance. Let that be his gift to you.

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    1. Thanks LLP! The "Christmas Infidelity Spirit"...that is the most perfect wording and I am going to tuck it away deep inside me. This is my first Christmas, and while all this past year I had heard the wise and experienced warning (from here, from new Sanon friends, my therapist, etc) that the holidays are hard, I just didn't realize how hard until now that I am here. I thought maybe since my discovery happened on December 28th while I was taking down the tree, that it was the approach of that day--not that it was Christmas. It's both. A double whammy. I think the 'Most Wonderful Time of the Year' just shines the spotlight even brighter on all that I've lost. Or never had. Well, I need to go fake some "fa la la la las" for everybody else, but I sure am glad for this community that gets it!

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  7. This has been one of the toughest weeks for me in a very long time. My D-Day was April 2018 so this is my first Christmas on my own in 22 years. The rage grabbed me and I could not stop crying. This site is where I learned to wave my tiny white flag, the one that now looks like the final scene of Les Mis only white. I'll never forget when I found this site in the early morning hours panicked and in shock, I didn't even know what I was searching for. You all are my lighthouse and when the storm rages you guide me in. I couldn't even bring myself to put up a tree. As soon as I publish this post (which is my first one ever ) I'm going to buy my OWN tree. A bright, shiny, aluminum artificial tree that my children and grandchildren will look at and go ok, well, gee, uh, hmmm, that's uh... so you! Yes, it is me, baby steps to a new sparkly beginning. I know I'm not finished having temper tantrums, I also know where to find solace, inspiration, understanding and strength. Right here. Thank you so much and may you feel the peace and love that you offer so freely to others. Warmest Regards, Emily

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    1. Emily- very sorry this has happened to you in 2018. I’m a survivor from a 2015 infidelity and many years of porn, etc. I know you’ve had a bad week, but so happy you have it in your heart to grab a tree that’s just YOU. This is completely hard and all of us understand that. ((Hugs)) You are gonna make it like the rest of us warriors. Change is hard and scary and yeah tantrums will come and go, but you may just look back and marvel at the person you are becoming. Grab the horns girl and dust off for 2019. Share your story in time and take care of you!!

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    2. Emily- very sorry this has happened to you in 2018. I’m a survivor from a 2015 infidelity and many years of porn, etc. I know you’ve had a bad week, but so happy you have it in your heart to grab a tree that’s just YOU. This is completely hard and all of us understand that. ((Hugs)) You are gonna make it like the rest of us warriors. Change is hard and scary and yeah tantrums will come and go, but you may just look back and marvel at the person you are becoming. Grab the horns girl and dust off for 2019. Share your story in time and take care of you!!

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    3. Emily!!! I'm wrapping you in a huge hug. Go buy that sparkly, sassy tree!! I wish we could see pictures. know that you will always have an army of women by your side but especially as we all band together to get ourselves through this difficult season. You have those tantrums, you need to get that stuff out. We'll hold your hand or shout and cry with you!
      Love you so much! XOXO ss1

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    4. Emily,
      I'm sorry you've had a really tough week but...I wonder if this is something of a catharsis for you. A chance to purge yourself of so much sadness and rage.
      And I'm so SO happy you're going to get yourself an Emily tree -- something that will remind you each day that YOU still sparkle.

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  8. Elle, I know you are not mean spirited in any way. I know you appreciate humor BUT there is so much sadness this time. I thought it would be fun to say what we would get the OW for Xmas. Would you consider, pretty please, having a page with a picture of a gift box with poop in it? I would give her penis straw because she won't be doing my H anymore. It would be fun to post, laugh and kid each other about it. I know this site has more class than that so if you think that going too low, that is ok too.

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    1. Hey LLP,
      Actually, I think that could be quite fun. Let's go for it! I'll put up a post today and we can let loose!

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  9. SS1, not only is this a great post but I am exhausted!! I have to tell you, I have not been on the site here because I have been dealing with one of the California wildfires. It came right down the side of my garage and stopped. some how spared our home. stopped right there.. The aftermath is daunting though. We went weeks with no power, and not complaining about it because we at least, unlike so many, had a house. But at night in this cold, powerless, heat-less, tv-less, internet-less house we had flashlights, and artificial candles and desk top lanterns, and we brought the solar lights inside at night, but the thing that lit up the room the most, the MOST, was one single candle. Every Single Time. Thanks for the reminder of the light of this holiday. You won't find this kind of light in a WalMart.
    and this whole thread is incredible. This line Olive Mee "I've decided to climb the mountain, rather than carry it" knocked me out. Thank you for THAT reminder too.
    Emily, welcome to that club we did not want to join.
    LLP, your wish is granted on the next page..lol. I'll save my "gift" for there. Where did you get the cheaters words you posted? I am always interested in what cheaters are feeling and not saying. And i found it interesting, that like you, I always jump too when asked for something by my H. not because I have to, but i have a genuine desire to help. He's getting better about it about an inch at a time. Instead of telling me "not NOOOOOW" as he used to say for years, he's making more of an effort.Baby, flippin steps. But Heartfelt, i might still want the name of your handy man. thanks for these beautiful contributions. You make my heart sing. Sam A,I think about you all the time.

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    1. Steam
      I’m so sorry for what you have been going through but I’m glad that your house was spared! Sending you hugs!

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  10. Aww I Think about you too steam .. gosh I can’t imagine how scary it was thinking you might lose your home.. big hugs my love xx

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  11. I am asking for what I need right now from this group .... words. I can't seem to get my thoughts into words. My husband seems to have made so much progress and still I'm not content. after so much individual therapy my therapist told me you will never be able to trust him again. There is a brokenness about him that is beyond what it takes to have an affair. I learnes he struggles with chronic lying and stealing. I know this sounds like a no-brainer to leave and yet I see him really trying to be a better man. He is committed to a victories for men group but it seems like marriage counseling together after the atealung issue came to light became too much for him. I have tried to practice patience for my children hoping that as he worked on himself more he would get to a place to be able to work more on the marriage. A couple days ago he told me aa very small lie and it just set me off. I stayed to get my youngest through high School with a deadline to see his progress. His defensiveness -2 years past dd-after I questioned the lie has set us backwards. Instead of feeling strong with boundaries I feel guilty for being difficult or pushing a little too hard. I cannot get over the words told me that the o w needed a friend and so did he. it may have been more emotional than physical. He denies these words now and says he loves me but I feel like that is just another lie.

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    1. Anonymous
      I know how that hurts when you trigger from even the smallest of lies. I’m also familiar with the guilt from trying to enforce boundaries. I don’t have answers for your situation but I did finally get my h to the place where I told him that he was going to have to help me through triggers with words. He’s incapable of expressing emotions. I’m still a work in progress and each day I have to work very hard to repair the relationship that I thought we had before he chose to cheat. It’s painful and that pain lasts a lot longer than we think it will! Sending you hugs and just keep posting your feelings here. That’s how I was able to get through much of the months of triggers!!

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    2. Anonymous- been here. Lies happen and yes even a small one is maddening. If I had a nickel for all or setbacks due to his missteps in the last 3.5 yrs I would be rich. He’s lied like this for many years. White lies to pacify and then during the affair it turned to gaslighting. Yes, I’m still here. All I can give for advice is to call him on it and follow it up with “honesty builds trust and if you wasn’t me to heal, you best think before you speak!” Set boundaries and many. We would have a blowout one day after a simple lie and I would see the following day he got it. Stick to your guns and don’t back down.
      You got this!

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    3. I have been there too. And only you know when you have had too much. I am at over 3 1/2 years and for a while I think he felt like as long as he was not cheating or doing anything related to women he was good. Well that was honestly the tip of the iceberg and his worst offense. But he lived his life all about him. For the first 12-15 months it was really about processing the betrayal. But then it moved onto what type of marriage/relationship did I want. If I was going to stay it better be worth it. I think it was confusing for him. He felt like he was doing so much more and doing well. Well I came to the revelation that what I was okay with even post dday was not okay now. My expectations elevated. I needed more if I was going to stay. Also the lies he told related to betrayal were not it. He minimized his drinking, time with friends, detachment etc. Nothing was like the lies he told related to betrayal but I needed complete honesty.

      My boundaries are very specific. And we revisit them often. And especially if he is going out of town or doing something similar to pre dday. His goal is to live his life with 100% transparency and authenticity. He also measures it that he could do everything he does in front of me or our kids. He maintains he has done that. And of course maybe he has been lazy at times or slept in too late but he owns it instead of making an excuse like the past.

      And triggers are still there for me. I tell him whenever I am triggered or anticipate a trigger. We create a plan and talk through it if it is in advance. Otherwise he listens and often he is triggered too.

      Overall communication is key. If anything we overshare. What worked for me to figure out what I needed was a lot of time spent intentionally thinking about what I wanted and needed if I was to stay in the marriage. We set up a weekly time to talk. In the beginning it was all about the affairs then transitioned to focus on our relationship. By setting up a time we broke through is defensiveness since he knew we would be talking vs catching him off guard or always bringing it up.

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    4. Anonymous,
      I'm so sorry that you're struggling. It sounds as though he's continuing to struggle with compulsive behaviour of his own. Is he in individual therapy? It can be almost impossible to rebuild a healthy relationship with an unhealthy person so until he gets his own stuff sorted out, you're kinda in a holding pattern. Perhaps this is the time to really focus on your own healing -- to reclaim who you are, pursue activities/interests independent of him, etc. All the while, he's doing his own work on his issues. It took at least two years of my husband and I independently dealing with our stuff before I could even really think about our marriage. It would also take the pressure off having to make some big decision before you're ready.

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  12. Theresa, Heartfelt, Hopeful 30 and Elle, thank you so much for taking the time to share your thoughts, experiences and wisdom. I really needed the comfort and strength I received from your words right now. I often read from this blog, but tonight the personal responses really meant a lot to me

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  13. Dear Anonymous, at first I thought my husband was just having an emotional affair but since that original discovery almost five years ago and further meetings with women last year I've found out a lot more that changed my whole worldview. I discovered that my husband hid and lied across a whole range of things, finances, porn (he spent thousands years ago and I only found out recently). He also lied to my face during so called reconciliation. It was only when I found out the further inappropriate lunches last year that he finally told me about kissing an ex girlfriend and other financial things he had hidden from me. I had made boundaries but he walked right over them. He has been in intense counselling for most of this year and its not a quick process. Luckily this counsellor seems to be good. But its five years since my original discovery and I've really questioned if I should stay or not since he broke the boundaries so many times. I realised finally that my mental health was suffering so I drew the line last year and he went on the couch. That spurred him into transparency document and counselling. Like you I was thinking of the children and did not want to take apart their lives so was trying to stay in same house but was open to in-house seperation if necessary for my sanity. Even recently, even after the counselling my h is still defensive and very poor in dealing with my triggers, its been the one thing that has ruined my healing. He is getting slightly better but its a long road. I've said to him that all the things he did told me a story that he hated me, didn't care about my pain, did not see me as a real human being, did not honour what I asked for etc and then he expects me to know that he now loves me. He needs to work like crazy to show it. My h villified me to the OW, said horrible stuff to make her feel sorry for him. He wanted a friend and someone to like him but it was all fake. It was all made up out of his head. she didn't really know him just his text persona. If your husband did have emotional affair, its still all part of him trying to feel better the quick/addictive way rather than forming strong relationships. It takes a lot of learning for them to change that habit. I agree with the others that your focus should now be on doing the things that support and boost you, mentally, emotionally, financially etc. Be your own best friend. Any boundaries you set should be from that place of strength and dignity, expect your husband to respect you, say that to him or tell him you will ultimately hear what he's telling you by his actions and act on it. (Even if just in house separation etc). Hope this helps and i wasn't too preachy, wishing the best for you.

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  14. Thank you so much. Not too preachy at all. I feel less alone

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