Still working on this. I suspect that if I wasn't still carrying around shame, about so many thing, that I would be less bothered by my ex and his newest "love that's going to save him" and whatever self justifying stories he's told her and how I might (or might not) factor at all in those stories. I don't want to be made out to be the villain in their new, co-dependent story. But I know he blamed me for so much that wasn't my fault. So I still care too much about what he and whatever person he's with might think. I know some of it is triggers, this time of year, the newness of all this. But some of it is my doubts and internal monologue. Good news is I like myself better than at any time in my life up until now. I recognize I have not been taking great care of myself lately. That's OK. Sometimes you need to let things slide. I need to remember that at the end of the day I've got me, and I am trying to live my life as a person I'm proud to be, just by my own rules and terms and not in expectation of approval from any one or other person. I need to trust my kids and know that I will never be replaced in their lives. And they know shenanigans when they see it. I am a work in progress, but at least I am progressing. :)
SS1, I know you feel abandoned. I know you feel lonely. He is a shallow man and found someone else so quickly, what does that say about him? There is nothing to envy in that set of pants. Of course you are the villain, he has to blame somebody right? Have you ever thought he has a hidden agenda? Maybe he wants you out of the house? He resents any support to you so why not make so you want to leave town? You can be more stubborn than he is manipulative. Please detach from all this drama of HIS, not yours. Do you see he is manipulating you still? I admire your strength, no shit. It sounds like you have too much time to sit around and think. That is not good sweet girl. Your kids see him for what he is and it will be more so when they get older. As I did I doubt they will have much to do with him. Your progress shows all your hard work. Maybe you should lower your expectation of yourself. Try to maintain some routine. Stay in touch with family and friends. You know there is more to life than problems so don't ignore the good times. You are learning about your new reality and bumping into a few walls is usually necessary. Much love to you over this hard time. You know what is best thing you have? Your freedom.
I love you LLP, you have said exactly what I needed to hear. Thanks for reminding me he is shallow. He so is. Shallow and selfish so this is absolutely about him showing off the shiny new thing. Zero depth or self awareness in him. Probably pure desperation in her. She's sees a heavy hitter financially for her and her baby. God bless her the first time she tries to say no to sex. Anyway, and yes now that you say it, he does resent the alimony. He's even, in a wildly inappropriate convo, complained about it to my daughter. And he's even offered to "take the burden of the house off my hands" knowing that my support payments would be negotiated down in that case and that my son would not agree to split time equally between him at the family home and me wherever I landed so custody and therefore child support would have to be renegotiated too. SO thank you for pointing that out. I have no intention of leaving this house unitl I get every penny of what I'm owed for wasting my life on this piece of shit.
I’m with you theresa December is not a favorite month. My dday is December. My favorite dog of all time died in December. I’m exhausted in December and the holiday pressure on top of all that ? It just magnifies things. Enough is enough!! Here’s my deal with other people. I am not a party girl (anymore- woof you shoulda seen me in my 30s.) the H and i were out to dinner a few weeks ago and ran into a slew of our acquaintances/ the cool kids clique- in the same restaurant. They were already hammered and asked if we wanted to sit with them. I had to tell them repeatedly- because they were shitfaced and could not compute -that i could not sit there but thank you (high tops are not good for eating). We still talked to them quite a bit as we sat close to them. They got louder and more vulgar as the night went on. When we left i said good night and hubs lingered behind he said he wanted to make them feel better about us not sitting with them. When he got in the car he told me was worried that they might think we were being snobbish. WTF. I told him they were drinking, we were eating! who cares. I doubt very much that they even remembered we were there the next hungover morning. These are nice people but my life does not depend on being approved of by a bunch of drunks- even if they WERE having a fabulous time. I can see a day in past years where i might have thought the same. Sat down, slammed a few tequilas and gotten into the same mindset but now i don’t care. FFS i always thought that i was the people pleaser here. When he worries about stuff like this i know it’s deep seated and long rooted. And i wonder why making someone feel good did not extend to me during his fuck madness phase. I’m convinced this is why he used hookers. Great actresses that always act like they adore you.
Hi steam, that makes complete sense. My ex was and still is a people pleaser, he says I Am cold because like you I don’t give a damn about people who have no place in my life. I think this comes with age I just feel like at 42 I couldn’t give a shit about what people think. I like my old pink fluffy dressing gown that I live in at the weekends, not having to shave my legs for weeks on end and if it puts anyone of then tough titties. Well done to you for making a stance.
Still working on this. I suspect that if I wasn't still carrying around shame, about so many thing, that I would be less bothered by my ex and his newest "love that's going to save him" and whatever self justifying stories he's told her and how I might (or might not) factor at all in those stories. I don't want to be made out to be the villain in their new, co-dependent story. But I know he blamed me for so much that wasn't my fault. So I still care too much about what he and whatever person he's with might think. I know some of it is triggers, this time of year, the newness of all this. But some of it is my doubts and internal monologue.
ReplyDeleteGood news is I like myself better than at any time in my life up until now. I recognize I have not been taking great care of myself lately. That's OK. Sometimes you need to let things slide. I need to remember that at the end of the day I've got me, and I am trying to live my life as a person I'm proud to be, just by my own rules and terms and not in expectation of approval from any one or other person.
I need to trust my kids and know that I will never be replaced in their lives. And they know shenanigans when they see it.
I am a work in progress, but at least I am progressing. :)
SS1, I know you feel abandoned. I know you feel lonely. He is a shallow man and found someone else so quickly, what does that say about him? There is nothing to envy in that set of pants. Of course you are the villain, he has to blame somebody right? Have you ever thought he has a hidden agenda? Maybe he wants you out of the house? He resents any support to you so why not make so you want to leave town? You can be more stubborn than he is manipulative. Please detach from all this drama of HIS, not yours. Do you see he is manipulating you still? I admire your strength, no shit. It sounds like you have too much time to sit around and think. That is not good sweet girl. Your kids see him for what he is and it will be more so when they get older. As I did I doubt they will have much to do with him. Your progress shows all your hard work. Maybe you should lower your expectation of yourself. Try to maintain some routine. Stay in touch with family and friends. You know there is more to life than problems so don't ignore the good times. You are learning about your new reality and bumping into a few walls is usually necessary. Much love to you over this hard time. You know what is best thing you have? Your freedom.
ReplyDeleteI love you LLP, you have said exactly what I needed to hear. Thanks for reminding me he is shallow. He so is. Shallow and selfish so this is absolutely about him showing off the shiny new thing. Zero depth or self awareness in him. Probably pure desperation in her. She's sees a heavy hitter financially for her and her baby. God bless her the first time she tries to say no to sex.
DeleteAnyway, and yes now that you say it, he does resent the alimony. He's even, in a wildly inappropriate convo, complained about it to my daughter. And he's even offered to "take the burden of the house off my hands" knowing that my support payments would be negotiated down in that case and that my son would not agree to split time equally between him at the family home and me wherever I landed so custody and therefore child support would have to be renegotiated too. SO thank you for pointing that out. I have no intention of leaving this house unitl I get every penny of what I'm owed for wasting my life on this piece of shit.
You are definetly progressing honey!! Xx
ReplyDeleteStill standing 1
ReplyDeleteI suspect each one of is a work in progress! Sending hugs from someone who always has a hard time with December!
I’m with you theresa December is not a favorite month. My dday is December. My favorite dog of all time died in December. I’m exhausted in December and the holiday pressure on top of all that ? It just magnifies things. Enough is enough!! Here’s my deal with other people. I am not a party girl (anymore- woof you shoulda seen me in my 30s.) the H and i were out to dinner a few weeks ago and ran into a slew of our acquaintances/ the cool kids clique- in the same restaurant. They were already hammered and asked if we wanted to sit with them. I had to tell them repeatedly- because they were shitfaced and could not compute -that i could not sit there but thank you (high tops are not good for eating). We still talked to them quite a bit as we sat close to them. They got louder and more vulgar as the night went on. When we left i said good night and hubs lingered behind he said he wanted to make them feel better about us not sitting with them. When he got in the car he told me was worried that they might think we were being snobbish. WTF. I told him they were drinking, we were eating! who cares. I doubt very much that they even remembered we were there the next hungover morning. These are nice people but my life does not depend on being approved of by a bunch of drunks- even if they WERE having a fabulous time. I can see a day in past years where i might have thought the same. Sat down, slammed a few tequilas and gotten into the same mindset but now i don’t care. FFS i always thought that i was the people pleaser here. When he worries about stuff like this i know it’s deep seated and long rooted. And i wonder why making someone feel good did not extend to me during his fuck madness phase. I’m convinced this is why he used hookers. Great actresses that always act like they adore you.
ReplyDeleteHi steam, that makes complete sense. My ex was and still is a people pleaser, he says I Am cold because like you I don’t give a damn about people who have no place in my life. I think this comes with age I just feel like at 42 I couldn’t give a shit about what people think. I like my old pink fluffy dressing gown that I live in at the weekends, not having to shave my legs for weeks on end and if it puts anyone of then tough titties. Well done to you for making a stance.
ReplyDeleteYour so cool steam, : ) xx