My husband cheated on me nearly 6 yrs ago. I left him. Moved to SC from NC where we lived/met, were living together...also where his ex-wife and 3 teen daughters live. I told him not to follow me. He did. He told me he didn't want to lose me and if he had to leave his job of 13 years and his home, to prove that he wanted a life with me, then he would. He did. He cheated for nearly 8 months straight...with his ex-wife lying about going to visit his daughters. Crawling back into my bed afterwards on several occasions. He hid this from me until he decided on ending it with her completely, even though they had been living 35 minutes apart for 3years and he had been in another relationship with someone else for a year before meeting me.
There was no excuse. But, nonetheless, I allowed him to be in my life again. To my knowledge, he has not cheated since. However, so much has taken place. His children hate me, do not want to be around me. We have a daughter together now. His oldest daughter does not like our daughter. He works extra hours when he brings his kids here and leaves us all here together in discord, while he avoids the issues his infidelity has caused this family. He has had a lot of problems with his finances. We keep our finances separate. His are atrocious. They have kept him from being able to help us buy a home. I have had to take on this burden and debt alone, and he demands his kids have room in this house of their own. Expecting me to buy a larger than we can afford home to accommodate them on my credit, in a rocky marriage, when they don't like being here. I'm so uncomfortable. I told him to move out. I want to work things out, but I'm afraid he has just done too much and not enough as a husband, and I'm tired of begging for help, his support and positive change. He sides with his kids. And I can't get past the affair when they are here or coming here. I've had to go to counseling, get on anxiety meds, depression meds to cope. How much is too much? As soon as I asked him to move out....he started going to counseling! After six years of telling me he would go to help our marriage...and never once doing it for US...now he goes!
How much is too much? This. This is too much. You don't need to decide whether or not to end the marriage right now.But it's clear that you need some time alone -- separated -- to sort things out in your head. And HE needs to stop leaving you holding the bag for all of his poor decisions -- financially, parenting, and as a partner. It is NEVER your job to clean up his messes and it sounds as though that's been your role. I think you and your daughter need your own space -- something you can afford. I'm glad he's in therapy -- I would make that an absolute requirement -- so he can figure out how to parent and be a partner and why he's so hell-bent on self-destructing and taking you down with him. You can see the change in him (he'll still have access to your daughter, of course) and either decide he's sufficiently changed in order for you to give him another chance, or not. But it's YOUR choice. You do not owe this guy anything. In fact, you owe yourself some peace and quiet and to be removed from the chaos he has created. Your job is to take care of you and your daughter. That's it. You are not responsible for him. Let him learn how to be responsible for himself and his kids.
New experience. I just spent a week with 5 families on vacation. We rented a large house. One of the couples began divorce proceedings right before our trip. The husband cheated on the wife years ago. She's struggled since. They finally called it quits. She knows nothing of my past. We shared a bathroom. Trigger city, obviously. The rest of the group HATES her husband. The whole world knows what he did. Here's the issue: she's become addicted to prescription drugs and alcohol to cope. I feel so much compassion for her. I know where her trauma comes from, and I totally get it. However, she's got kids. Her husband is attempting to get custody, and based on what I've seen, he's got grounds. She's not well at all. There were nights she couldn't see and had to be helped to bed because of whatever combo she took/drank. I was able to talk to her several times and offer an ear. At one point, I told her that she must sense that we were speaking the same language (about betrayal) and that she must sense that I understood her pain in a way that others might not. She physically pushed me aside and said that scared her because she respected my (current) relationship with my husband. I wish to help her but I also need to keep healthy boundaries for my own health. Her kids know everything (mine doesn't). Her kids are disturbed by her drunken/drugged out behavior. Her husband has a real chance of getting full custody. I offered an ear, made it clear that I have some experience with this (but wasn't specific). Is there something else I can do/say? It was a rough week of vacation for me. Irritating also that my H didn't seem to see any parallels or have problems dealing.
Oh ann, that must have been incredibly difficult. Your heart is in the right place. But...I think you've done everything you can do short of dropping her off at a 12-step meeting. You cannot save her. I hope she sorts herself out before she loses her kids but, again, that's her choice. As we learn, often reluctantly, re. infidelity: We can never control another human's choices. We can only control ourselves. And you conducted yourself with compassion and empathy. She can either follow your path or not. In the meantime, can your husband understand how triggering this was for you? Right now, I think all you want is an ally (who witnessed this) who acknowledges just how painful it is to watch someone self-destruct. Her husband cheated and while we all know how painful that is, not all of us become addicts. (My mother did!) So I suspect there's more at play here -- former trauma, for instance. I ache for her but she needs to reach out for help. In the meantime, you take care of you. Guard those boundaries. Give yourself a huge pat on the back for navigating this tricky situation and, if/when she ever comes to you genuinely seeking help, you know you'll be ready to guide her.
Thank you for the reassurance. I would love to help her more, but it's clear that the people who love her so much they'd "do anything for her" are making her sicker by trying to cover up how bad it is from her husband (since he's the one true evil in their minds, which I also get). I've decided I can help the kids if they need something... a sober ride, a meal... but my ear and my compassion is all I can extend to their mom. And a ride to a 12 step meeting. I can do that if she's ever receptive. I tried to explain to my husband how heavy it all was for me. How it was like it could have been me. He said it could never be me because I was "stronger." I had to explain that I had a few more tools I found and a lot of luck, but I was certainly not stronger because I went down a different road. I had to spell out how I had to knowingly resist numbing behaviors at that time because I saw my potential to abuse them. I'm not sure if he ever knew that, or just forgot. In one of our nightly debrief conversations on the trip, I think he got pretty close to seeing how this woman and I had the same feelings but responded differently (and there were many factors leading to that. It was not because I was stronger or wiser!) I do need to keep talking with him about it though. It was heavy and hard to watch. We still have moments where I'm explaining something about what I went through in a new way. Sometimes TV does it for me. The show Big Little Lies had a cheater begging the betrayed, "why can't I get you to believe me that I love you and I'm incapable of doing something I've already done to you?" We both laughed out loud. It's ridiculous, but the betrayer was desperate to convince the other of this impossible thing and yet that's exactly what they wanted: their spouse to be incapable of something they'd already done. I did not like those days and those feelings. It's a miracle that we aren't all crazy and addicted to everything we can get our hands on to numb out that feeling.
ann - I have 2 thoughts - 1 does this woman not want to ask you for help because maybe she does know that you 2 share a commonality, but your commonality is only on the surface. From the outside you and your husband have reconciled, you've made lemonade out of your lemons and she hasn't been able to. That's the first thing that came to mind when I read this originally.
And 2nd thought - your husband can't see the commonalities and the other possibilities because then that would mean he has to truly focus in on the amount of hurt and devastation that his affair caused.
I cannot say enough how much my hysterical bonding baby saved me. If not for that pregnancy I could easily see myself in the same boat as this woman you know. And even now I have to make a conscience effort to NOT drink because I know that it's a numbing force and I have those tendencies.
I too made a conscious choice to avoid alcohol in the early months post D-Day. I have a long family history of addiction and knew that could be a slippery slope for me. But yes, ann, your point that we're not necessarily "stronger" but rather luckier and, perhaps, more intentional is a good one. I'm glad Big Little Lies worked as an entry point into a moment of common ground. I find those little moments -- fleeting -- to be incredibly powerful in terms of making me feel closer to my husband. And, good points Kimberly. I'm so glad your HB baby was a positive for you.
I don't know where to post...where to go.
ReplyDeleteMy husband cheated on me nearly 6 yrs ago. I left him. Moved to SC from NC where we lived/met, were living together...also where his ex-wife and 3 teen daughters live. I told him not to follow me. He did. He told me he didn't want to lose me and if he had to leave his job of 13 years and his home, to prove that he wanted a life with me, then he would. He did.
He cheated for nearly 8 months straight...with his ex-wife lying about going to visit his daughters. Crawling back into my bed afterwards on several occasions. He hid this from me until he decided on ending it with her completely, even though they had been living 35 minutes apart for 3years and he had been in another relationship with someone else for a year before meeting me.
There was no excuse. But, nonetheless, I allowed him to be in my life again. To my knowledge, he has not cheated since. However, so much has taken place. His children hate me, do not want to be around me. We have a daughter together now. His oldest daughter does not like our daughter. He works extra hours when he brings his kids here and leaves us all here together in discord, while he avoids the issues his infidelity has caused this family. He has had a lot of problems with his finances. We keep our finances separate. His are atrocious. They have kept him from being able to help us buy a home. I have had to take on this burden and debt alone, and he demands his kids have room in this house of their own. Expecting me to buy a larger than we can afford home to accommodate them on my credit, in a rocky marriage, when they don't like being here. I'm so uncomfortable. I told him to move out. I want to work things out, but I'm afraid he has just done too much and not enough as a husband, and I'm tired of begging for help, his support and positive change. He sides with his kids. And I can't get past the affair when they are here or coming here. I've had to go to counseling, get on anxiety meds, depression meds to cope. How much is too much? As soon as I asked him to move out....he started going to counseling! After six years of telling me he would go to help our marriage...and never once doing it for US...now he goes!
How much is too much? This. This is too much.
DeleteYou don't need to decide whether or not to end the marriage right now.But it's clear that you need some time alone -- separated -- to sort things out in your head. And HE needs to stop leaving you holding the bag for all of his poor decisions -- financially, parenting, and as a partner. It is NEVER your job to clean up his messes and it sounds as though that's been your role.
I think you and your daughter need your own space -- something you can afford. I'm glad he's in therapy -- I would make that an absolute requirement -- so he can figure out how to parent and be a partner and why he's so hell-bent on self-destructing and taking you down with him. You can see the change in him (he'll still have access to your daughter, of course) and either decide he's sufficiently changed in order for you to give him another chance, or not. But it's YOUR choice. You do not owe this guy anything. In fact, you owe yourself some peace and quiet and to be removed from the chaos he has created.
Your job is to take care of you and your daughter. That's it. You are not responsible for him. Let him learn how to be responsible for himself and his kids.
Exactly.
ReplyDeleteNew experience. I just spent a week with 5 families on vacation. We rented a large house. One of the couples began divorce proceedings right before our trip. The husband cheated on the wife years ago. She's struggled since. They finally called it quits. She knows nothing of my past. We shared a bathroom. Trigger city, obviously.
ReplyDeleteThe rest of the group HATES her husband. The whole world knows what he did. Here's the issue: she's become addicted to prescription drugs and alcohol to cope. I feel so much compassion for her. I know where her trauma comes from, and I totally get it. However, she's got kids. Her husband is attempting to get custody, and based on what I've seen, he's got grounds. She's not well at all. There were nights she couldn't see and had to be helped to bed because of whatever combo she took/drank. I was able to talk to her several times and offer an ear. At one point, I told her that she must sense that we were speaking the same language (about betrayal) and that she must sense that I understood her pain in a way that others might not. She physically pushed me aside and said that scared her because she respected my (current) relationship with my husband. I wish to help her but I also need to keep healthy boundaries for my own health. Her kids know everything (mine doesn't). Her kids are disturbed by her drunken/drugged out behavior. Her husband has a real chance of getting full custody. I offered an ear, made it clear that I have some experience with this (but wasn't specific). Is there something else I can do/say? It was a rough week of vacation for me. Irritating also that my H didn't seem to see any parallels or have problems dealing.
Oh ann, that must have been incredibly difficult. Your heart is in the right place. But...I think you've done everything you can do short of dropping her off at a 12-step meeting. You cannot save her. I hope she sorts herself out before she loses her kids but, again, that's her choice. As we learn, often reluctantly, re. infidelity: We can never control another human's choices. We can only control ourselves. And you conducted yourself with compassion and empathy. She can either follow your path or not.
DeleteIn the meantime, can your husband understand how triggering this was for you? Right now, I think all you want is an ally (who witnessed this) who acknowledges just how painful it is to watch someone self-destruct. Her husband cheated and while we all know how painful that is, not all of us become addicts. (My mother did!) So I suspect there's more at play here -- former trauma, for instance.
I ache for her but she needs to reach out for help. In the meantime, you take care of you. Guard those boundaries. Give yourself a huge pat on the back for navigating this tricky situation and, if/when she ever comes to you genuinely seeking help, you know you'll be ready to guide her.
Thank you for the reassurance. I would love to help her more, but it's clear that the people who love her so much they'd "do anything for her" are making her sicker by trying to cover up how bad it is from her husband (since he's the one true evil in their minds, which I also get). I've decided I can help the kids if they need something... a sober ride, a meal... but my ear and my compassion is all I can extend to their mom. And a ride to a 12 step meeting. I can do that if she's ever receptive. I tried to explain to my husband how heavy it all was for me. How it was like it could have been me. He said it could never be me because I was "stronger." I had to explain that I had a few more tools I found and a lot of luck, but I was certainly not stronger because I went down a different road. I had to spell out how I had to knowingly resist numbing behaviors at that time because I saw my potential to abuse them. I'm not sure if he ever knew that, or just forgot. In one of our nightly debrief conversations on the trip, I think he got pretty close to seeing how this woman and I had the same feelings but responded differently (and there were many factors leading to that. It was not because I was stronger or wiser!) I do need to keep talking with him about it though. It was heavy and hard to watch. We still have moments where I'm explaining something about what I went through in a new way. Sometimes TV does it for me. The show Big Little Lies had a cheater begging the betrayed, "why can't I get you to believe me that I love you and I'm incapable of doing something I've already done to you?" We both laughed out loud. It's ridiculous, but the betrayer was desperate to convince the other of this impossible thing and yet that's exactly what they wanted: their spouse to be incapable of something they'd already done. I did not like those days and those feelings. It's a miracle that we aren't all crazy and addicted to everything we can get our hands on to numb out that feeling.
Deleteann - I have 2 thoughts - 1 does this woman not want to ask you for help because maybe she does know that you 2 share a commonality, but your commonality is only on the surface. From the outside you and your husband have reconciled, you've made lemonade out of your lemons and she hasn't been able to. That's the first thing that came to mind when I read this originally.
DeleteAnd 2nd thought - your husband can't see the commonalities and the other possibilities because then that would mean he has to truly focus in on the amount of hurt and devastation that his affair caused.
I cannot say enough how much my hysterical bonding baby saved me. If not for that pregnancy I could easily see myself in the same boat as this woman you know. And even now I have to make a conscience effort to NOT drink because I know that it's a numbing force and I have those tendencies.
Now ... if I could figure it out with food! ;)
I too made a conscious choice to avoid alcohol in the early months post D-Day. I have a long family history of addiction and knew that could be a slippery slope for me.
DeleteBut yes, ann, your point that we're not necessarily "stronger" but rather luckier and, perhaps, more intentional is a good one.
I'm glad Big Little Lies worked as an entry point into a moment of common ground. I find those little moments -- fleeting -- to be incredibly powerful in terms of making me feel closer to my husband.
And, good points Kimberly. I'm so glad your HB baby was a positive for you.