I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars.
~Og Mandino
My friend's daughter just returned from a school exchange in Austria. From this end, it felt like four months of crises – hospitalizations, lost wallets, weird roommates. From my friend's daughter's perspective, for every down there was a dozen ups. Home now, she told my friend that she's most looking forward to a mother who cooks her meals, a shower that consistently rains hot water, a doctor to whom she doesn't have to pay a fortune then try and extract that money from a reluctant insurance company. In other words, she's looking forward to the things she formerly took for granted.
That's the way for most of us, isn't it?
In the days following D-Day, I ached for the blissful ignorance I'd had. I missed boredom, routine, the status quo. I longed for the light.
But there I was. Cursing the dark.
A woman asked me recently how I survived. How, she queried, did I get through without going crazy, without knowing what would happen?
And though I know it seems simple to me now, it wasn't then. Nothing is ever as tidy as we remember. But what I did (in between hysterical sobbing and paralyzing fear and numbness) was try to find the stars. They were there, sometimes obscured by the dark, but there nonetheless.
For instance, I recall a day we all rode our bikes to my eldest daughter's piano recital, followed by a backyard luncheon at the piano teacher's home. It was months after D-Day and I felt raw and exposed. But that day was...nice. All my children. My still-husband. Me. Kids plunking away at a piano.
There was my mother's death. Horrible, of course, to lose her. She had been my rock. It was sudden but not unexpected. She'd had a chronic illness. But her death. It felt miraculous. It replaced my fear of death with something like acceptance. Not quite peace. But close.
There were other stars in the dark. Moments when I loosened my grip and gave myself over to not knowing. Moments when the world seemed beautiful. Was beautiful.
Those dark days are long gone, though we've had periodical darkness since. A frightening time with two of our children and mental health issues. A health scare with my father. The death of my mother-in-law.
But I'm more than a dozen years out from D-Day #1. Come to think of it, D-Day #2 was late June and it didn't even register – I hadn't thought of it until right this minute.
But I still remember the stars as much as I recall the darkness. They were reminders that night always gives way to day. A gentle nudge to value the tiny things even as we deal with the big things.
Sunlight is lovely. But so are the stars.
The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
Elle - I realize that not everything in your life is (or should be) public knowledge but I'm sorry to hear of the passing of your MIL. I'm not sure when it happened but I know from stories she was a thorn in your side. I thought of you quite often during the month of June as I chose NOT to engage with my MIL while she was in town. I wondered how you endured it all those years!
ReplyDeleteThank you too for this post. I'm still struggling with triggers. I've concluded that these triggers are no longer about the OW ... although it's things (more particularly a food type and an organization) that she was involved with that set me off ... but are more reminders of the things that my asshole of a husband (LOL ... AOH may need to be a new acronym?) did in the months AFTER DDay #1.
The OW was a freelance graphic artist (pardon if I step on any toes ... but really she was unemployed and was trying to get clients however she could) for an organization that helps out in disaster zones. It's a very noble organization and if not for the one link to my hell I might actually be able to get behind it.
Friday night my AOH sent me the agenda for an event we were supposed to attend Saturday. In it was the company catering the event. It triggered a memory and spiral begins. I briefly mention I know the company but can't place my finger on how (although ... truthfully ... I did!). He dumbed it down. Created a new "truth" and when I shot it down he went silent. Trigger again as this is exactly how he was during the months after DDay. Saturday I kindly bowed out of attending the event and chose to stay home with our littlest instead. Trigger his shame which triggers me ... snow ball effect.
Sunday I have my safe haven. A group of people who I see every week. The ONE place I do not have to look to see if the OW is there (because as I said to someone yesterday - she can't be that stupid right? to show up to the one place the wife is GUARANTEED to be?) ... and in walks one of my favorite members wearing a shirt with the organization's name on it.
It wasn't pretty. I stumbled through the next hour. I cried with this member who was so apologetic. And I rattled it around in my head over and over again for hours.
And just like that something clicked. This organization. BBQ. They are NOT what caused my most hellish day. They have NOTHING to do with my AOH's continued failure to "get it" or with this OW who was a knowing participant.
The fact that my favorite member was wearing the shirt ... that her husband is an amazing empathy like me and was able to get my truth to the light of day ... that's the STAR in the darkness.
I don't know if I'll always be able to see it that way or if the darkness will win out from time to time ... but for now I'm going to take it as a shining moment and revel in its beauty.
Maybe I'll even go find a BBQ place that I know is affiliated with the organization or maybe I'll make a monetary donation ... who knows!
Kimberly,
DeleteThank-you for your kind thoughts re. my MIL (RIP) and D-Day. My MIL died a few years ago and the sadness was mostly around how she never really...lived, you know? Her life was a series of grudges and resentment. I felt sad for what a waste so much of her later years had been.
As for triggers, I'm so glad that your friends' empathy helped you get to that place where you realize that the triggers aren't about what's in front of you but about what you're telling yourself about what's in front of you. That organization didn't betray you. That BBQ place didn't betray you. Your husband did, with a messed-up woman.
And it sounds as though he's taking steps to ensure he never does that again. Triggers are horrible because they blindside us. And they're horrible because they transport right back to that awful moment of powerlessness and shock and devastation. But we can learn to remind ourselves, in that trigger moment, that it is NOT happening NOW. It is about the past. And you have survived it. You are dealing with it. Breathe. In. Out. In. Out.
I would urge you, when this happens again because it probably will, to try and speak with your husband directly about it. To enlist him as an ally. Talk about triggers before they happen, see if you can figure out what you need from him in that moment (reassurance? Space? Affection?) and come up with a plan. And then when you're triggered, go to him and say, "it's happening. X is reminding me of Y". He needs to know so that he can deal pre-emptively with his shame so that it doesn't poison things further. And then he can be there for you in the capacity you need. All of which helps you two treat this like a common enemy -- one that threatens your relationship.
Your friends sound wonderful and I'm so glad they were there for you in that moment -- and that you were able to share your pain with them rather than trying to hide it.
And hang in there, Kimberly. You're doing great!! By considering how you might reclaim things -- ie. donation, finding a BBQ place that suits -- you'll feel more empowered.
Kimberly
DeleteSorry to hear what you have had to endure with triggers. They are ghastly. But that's the thing. We get these triggers and as much as they are so painful, we are still here. You are doing amazing Kimberly
Sending hugs
Gabby xo
Kimberly, I'm so sorry you went through all that with those triggers. They can be devastating. But. It sounds like you found your way through and maybe have come up with ways to take away those things power.
ReplyDeleteAt 3+ years out, I am rarely triggered any more. But I am also not immersed in an environment where I have daily reminders. I have no idea where I'd be in recovery if my ex and I were still together (and this is NOT me saying that leaving was easier or better, it has just turned out to be better for me). But some things can still make me simmer. Like anything to do with WhatsApp. This is the message thing they used to communicate because it leaves no record in your phone, unlike regular texting etc. It used to make be go berserk (in the viking warrior way - I would see red and need to be kept away from axes). Now when there is a reference (which seems rare, I don't think it has as much traction as it used to) to it, I merely growl with disdain. Its a blip. Which is still something, of course, but very small. It doesn't change the course of my day any more. I imagine, if we were still together, that work travel for him would set off anxiety, and that is pretty much weekly. Or him being selfish and that is pretty much a constant, still.
But what I try to come awake to now, when I'm having a moment, is that I AM awake, finally. That even on a bad day, I am not having the life drained out of me trying and failing to sustain his ego. That I can be in my garden. Snuggle with dogs. Enjoy watching my kids grow into interesting adults. That I am growing and becoming a more skillful human.
I did kind of a ramble there. Sending you a big hug Kimberly.
You are a viking warrior, even without an axe!
DeleteThe dark can and used to feel excuitiatingly suffocating a quiet that makes you feel deaf. A black hole. The hours ticked like the light would never come on the many nights i just couldn't sleep ... the dark forced me to be still or just be and at times it felt like torture i do recall over 4 years ago the nights i was on bwc reading or waiting a response to not feel so lonely. I can see the stars now i even now welcome the dark and quiet to just be or listen to the wind blow? The faucet drip? My kids sound fully breathing. This too shall pass. Anyone in the darkness please know it temporary not forever stuck though yes still occasionally trigger or sad i can see in color again and there is light but yes we indeed need the darkness to see just how pretty the light is and a learned lesson to pay more attention to the stars.
ReplyDeleteIt's beautiful to imagine you lying in the dark, listening to those quiet sounds, reminding yourself that the light is coming.
DeleteI am a year and a half since D-Day 1 (learning of 6 affairs) and 8 months since D-Day 2 (learning one of the affairs was emotional and 6 months long). I am in a much, much better place. We moved to a new city. Which was scary but has been exactly what I needed - something fresh. Not being around the physical reminders of our old city has been so helpful. I feel better. Although some days are still very tough. When I think back to those first weeks - after both d-days - it feels like such a blur. I feel like it as a tornado coming through my mind. The only times I felt relief in those days were when I was either in therapy or with my parents. I don't think I had craved or needed my parents (even though they didnt know what was going on) more in my life - and at 31! Being at their house and just having a normal dinner was the biggest relief. It felt so stable (which is surprising considering how un-stable my childhood was due to a very mentally ill brother). Being in a better place now, I am amazed at how I survived it all. It's hard to put into words but all of this has given me such a different perspective on life. It's made me appreciate certain things more - my parents - and also made me not place all of my value on my marriage and instead focus on valuing myself more (something that has always been hard for me to do in all relationships). I have never been more comfortable with who I am now that I have taken the time to accept myself.
ReplyDeleteWow MG, you've done a whole lot of growing in 1 1/2 years. I have had the same experience, though it took me a lot longer. But yes, I was so grateful for my parents although my childhood had been chaotic. They were my rock, a solid foundation on which I could begin to rebuild myself.
DeleteWhich is what I did. Rebuild myself, from the ground up. I re-examined so many of the things I had believed about myself, about my marriage, about my worth, about my career. I sorted through what served me and tossed what didn't. Like you, I feel as though I have such a different perspective. Doesn't mean I don't still struggle at times but I find my center again much more quickly.
Brava to you, MG. And thank-you so much for sharing. We all learn from each other here and I think that others reading your comment can take away the lesson that this can happen for them too. It really boils down to valuing yourself and recognizing that your worth was never in being a wife or a mother or a whatever. Your worth is inherent in you.
I am 1 week post D day , I can’t decide how I’m feeling: I seem to range from hopelessness , powerlessness, betrayal to anger, spiteful , angst & even much to my own disgust with myself for feeling this way.....I want affection with him to reconnect . I’m struggling with sleeping, nighttime , bedtime is awful.
ReplyDeleteWe r both retired our family is grown ,both set of parents have passed . My husband is estranged from his only sibling sister & my only sibling brother is gravely ill. So we fulltime RV, we do have a bricks n sticks but we r currently out of state from home. Therefore there is no other bed than next to him. He goes to sleep normally & sleeps peacefully...... I just want to strike him & yell how could u do this & sleep like a baby. Furthermore u ( him )be the cause of my agitated minds eye playing a vulgar scene of him & OW. Plus all the rumination I seem to do about , “ what if.”
The day after my birthday & within the week of our 40th wedding Anniversary he went to a motel for sex , that he discovered on Craigslist. I will spare the details & I can not b sure anyway that what he confessed is even accurate . I’m soo distraught about possible STI/STD . He’s mad a physician’s appointment to which I am attending to seek testing /education.
Meanwhile my triggers r constant, my uncertainty is overwhelming & my disguist is nauseating .
Oh honey, I am so so sorry for what you're going through. You are one week out, which means buckle up because you're having a helluva rollercoaster ride. And it will last for a while longer.
DeleteEverything you describe rings true for pretty much all of us. The wanting to smother him in his sleep (how DARE he sleep like a baby), the desire for affection while hating his guts, the anger, the sadness, the fear, the disgust.
Right now, just hang in there. Get tested, for sure. If possible, find yourself a therapist who can give you a safe space to vent, to cry, to scream, to begin to process the incredible pain. If you're considering staying with him, then give some thought to what you need from him. Total disclosure? Access to any/all electronic devices? Him in therapy or a 12-step group. You'll see a tagline at the top of this site -- "My heartbreak, my rules." YOU get to decide what happens from here on out, what you need from him. You set to set clear boundaries in order to begin to feel safe in this relationship again.
But, for now, please know this: You will get through this. It's hard and long and dark, but you'll get there. You did nothing to deserve this. And you are not alone.
Luvbgma
DeleteI know it doesn’t feel like it but what Elle said is exactly what I felt and had to get through. God how it hurts and man did I want to kill my h and hug him at the same time! I’m so so sorry you are having to live through this! It’s awful! Do get tested because as I learned, they didn’t use a condom and I have to deal with the HPV that my h gave me when our relationship began in our teens. We’re here for you and you are never alone on this sight! We all know how crazy betrayal makes us! Hugs!
Luvbgma - ... I thought Craigslist had done away with their sick hookup stuff ... sad that people are finding ways around them taking down the casual encounters section. My WS also found his hookups from Craigslist.
DeleteMy point is you're not alone. You've landed in the right spot. The ladies here have been an amazing resource to feel normal (if there is such a thing in all of this) and to find peace within.
I can tell you that the urge to be intimate/affectionate with your WS is normal. It's called hysterical bonding. I found comfort knowing that I was ok in the overwhelming need to be connected sexually with my spouse within hours of finding out.