by Chinook
I had never known such desperation as I felt after I discovered that my husband had been having an affair. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t control my emotions even the slightest bit. My body and mind were in a state of such extreme anxiety that a single errant thought (about her, about the two of them together, about what this meant for our children) could provoke a full-blown panic attack.
I had never known such desperation as I felt after I discovered that my husband had been having an affair. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t control my emotions even the slightest bit. My body and mind were in a state of such extreme anxiety that a single errant thought (about her, about the two of them together, about what this meant for our children) could provoke a full-blown panic attack.
Between fits of racking sobs, I launched into doing the three things that I always do when I feel powerless:
(1) Research
(2) Figure out the story of what was happening
(3) Play out future scenarios in my head
I did these things for every moment of every day.
Every.
Single.
Moment.
It was exhausting, and in the end only one of these coping mechanisms was useful.
I’m surprised to report that even at the frantic pace at which I did it, research helped. My trusted inner community, in whom I confided right from the start, responded with great resources. On the advice of a friend, I was reading Mira Kirshenbaum’s book “I love you but I don’t trust you” within a day of finding out about the affair.
On the advice of another, I started journaling. A third recommended that I exhaust myself with high-intensity exercise. “Sleeping pills,” said a fourth. In spite of my internet searching, it took a long time before I found the Betrayed Wives Club. (I think I eventually made my way here by typing something like “when will the devastating pain of infidelity ever end?” into Google.) But within a few weeks, I had an effective therapist, an informational session lined up with a divorce lawyer, other betrayed women to talk to, and a dozen great books to read.
On the advice of another, I started journaling. A third recommended that I exhaust myself with high-intensity exercise. “Sleeping pills,” said a fourth. In spite of my internet searching, it took a long time before I found the Betrayed Wives Club. (I think I eventually made my way here by typing something like “when will the devastating pain of infidelity ever end?” into Google.) But within a few weeks, I had an effective therapist, an informational session lined up with a divorce lawyer, other betrayed women to talk to, and a dozen great books to read.
The second coping technique — trying to figure out the story of what was happening — drove me and everyone around me crazy. My mind was racing, trying to compute WHY my husband had done this. (Was he a psychopath? Was he a compulsive liar? Was he a closeted misogynist? Did he have an attachment disorder? Had he even wanted kids? Had he even wanted to get married?) Talking is part of my figuring-out process, and I talked about it incessantly. At one point my father finally declared: “I don’t give a HOOT what he wants! What does CHINOOK want?”
This coping technique failed spectacularly. I was trying to control the situation by understanding it. But I had neither the information nor the hindsight necessary to understand it. Even if I could, understanding it wouldn’t make the pain any less excruciating. Also, to my father’s point, I was putting my attention in the wrong place: I was making my husband the center of the story when the real focus needed to be on me.
The least useful of all my coping techniques by far was the last: trying to predict the future.
A very good, very wise friend of mine calls the practice “telescoping”, and if you’re doing it, I urge you to stop.
The danger of using a telescope to try and see the future (which is impossible) is that we miss out on observing what is happening right here, right now. And what’s happening now is key. The only thing any of us can do when devastated by a trauma is to pick the next right step, as Glennon Doyle says. (It’s a variation of the “one day at a time” motto of Alcoholics Anonymous.) And in order to choose that next right step, we need accurate information on exactly where we are right now.
This very wise friend of mine also reminded me that I didn’t need to make any big decisions right now or for some time to come. The only thing I needed to do was gather information. Information on what my husband had actually done. Information from HIM (not from me trying to figure it out for him) about why he had done it. Information on what he was going to do next. Information on my legal options (and, if I hadn’t already had it, our financial situation).
And, most importantly, information about how this all made me feel and what it revealed to me about what I want.
So, if you have just had your entire world upended, if your mind and heart are racing with the shock of it all, if you are trying to telescope your way into a future that feels safer than your present, please stop.
Put down the telescope.
You can’t see the future. None of us can.
All you have is now.
Take the next right step.
Then the next right one after that.
Then the next right one after that.
When you walk a path of next right steps, you can’t go wrong.
This is where I am stuck:”Information on what my husband had actually done. Information from HIM (not from me trying to figure it out for him) about why he had done it. Information on what he was going to do next.”
ReplyDeleteStill don’t have any of it. There are no answers, unless “I don’t know” is an answer. And when there is a lack of answers about the past, how do you believe anything about today or tomorrow?
One and a half year later, I still don’t know what really happened. I’ve done what I can to protect myself and my kids. My life has made a full 180. The mantra “the next right step” is as far as I can look in the future. I can’t bear to think past today, beyond right now without complete and total mental breakdown.
What do I want? Does it even matter any more? What I want(ed) most in life will not happen, and I have to focus on the greater good - my kids.
Chinook, I admire you and your journey. I wish I can get to where you are at some point. Thank you for taking the time to write and share your thoughts.
LostSomewhere,
Delete"I don't know" is a fair first response. But your followup needs to be "what are you doing to figure it out". And what IS he doing? Therapy? Support group? Reading? Are you seeing clear steps he's taking to show you that he's recommitted to the marriage? If not, why not? And if not, why are you staying? And what are you doing to help yourself heal? Are you in therapy? Do you have support? Are you feeling empowered to move forward with the life you DO want? We often have more options than we think we do. Your life might not look exactly like you thought it would but that doesn't mean it can't still be incredible. But you have to take steps to figure out what, under the circumstances, that might look like and how you might achieve that. As you know, the women here have been where you are and will likely have plenty of advice of steps you can take. But, from where I sit, it sounds as though you're still exhausted and demoralized from that, which means you're not getting enough support or self-care. As you likely know, I'm a huge believer in counselling -- a safe space for you to process what you're going through and to come up with ideas for moving forward. I'm curious what others will say, too.
LostSomewhere I've decided there is a secret manual somewhere that gives the betrayers their marching orders on how to handle being discovered. "I don't know" is the only answer they should give. Because "I don't know" is safe.
DeleteI'm only slightly ahead of you in healing. I'm now 25 months out from DDay #1, 17 months from DDay #2 and a full year today from the final straw where I discovered the evidence that SHE had to have him served with a "leave me the fuck alone" letter 1 month after our hysterical bonding baby was born.
I'll tell you. The "I don't know" answers is what keeps me on the fence. The complete and utter lack of desire to delve into truly answering the questions because someone (ME!) needs you to. The laying oneself down and holding someone else up.
I don't know ... I guess that's been my answer too ... "I don't know" what I want. But my therapist is challenging me to figure that out all the while reminding me I don't have to make any big decisions today.
Hugs to you LostSomewhere. I hope that eventually you'll be able to change that handle to "Found ..." ... it's what we deserve!
Such a good point, Kimberly. "I don't know" buys them time, it buys them a certain protection. And it might be true. But it shouldn't REMAIN true. It's their JOB to know. To figure it out.
DeleteAlso...someone on Twitter just posted advice to another re. feeling like they have no options other than to remain miserable and it was this: Make a list of EVERY option you have, even if it's a horrible one ("Murder him and spent life in a 6x6 cell"). Just list everything. Then you can eliminate the "absolutely not" options and see what's left. You might be surprised.
I think this all can take a long time. And for me that was really hard. I listened to Elle and I my therapist. Both were very helpful. In the end I needed to figure out what I did need to know and what I would be okay with. That was totally up to me. My therapist helped me walk through this. I needed that support. I am the person who wants every detail almost a time and date stamp would be my ideal. Well my husband had two sporadic affairs over ten years. He did not even remember what year the affair started with one of the women. He said it was one of three years in the fall. That blew my mind. I remember every detail of my life. He admitted he did not want to remember any milestones related to his affairs so he blocked it all out except for a few really bad moments. To me a lot of this was confusing. I thought if you started two affairs and continuing them then wouldn't you be happy, like it etc. Nope not my husband.
DeleteWe are at 4 1/2 years and honestly besides this site/Elle and my therapist what has helped me the most is spending a lot of time focused on what I need and want from my marriage/or really any relationship. I speak up all the time and we have worked a lot on communication. I have told my husband multiple times "not cheating etc" is not good enough. He had it good and took advantage of me. Now that all of this has happened I want the type of marriage and relationship that is different. This of course all took time. But I will say spending time in self reflection is what I do most and helps me the most.
LostSomewhere, I am so sorry to hear that you feel stuck. To be stuck in heartache is so horrible.
DeleteLet me start off by saying that I am a woman who values knowing oneself. I'm pretty ruthless about it. I can't be okay with not knowing the truth, or with any form of "don't ask, don't tell" policy. I don't believe in little white lies.
This ruthless need for truth is one of the things I'm struggling with at the moment. I don't know if my husband has been completely truthful, and I don't know how to know. As Brené Brown writes, the opposite of certainty is faith. Yet I have neither certainty that I know the whole extent of my husband's affair, nor do I have faith in him or us (just in me).
Wise women, like Elle, have written about how there are different truths, and that the truth (i.e., he betrayed me) doesn't have to include 100% of the information. I believe them. I trust them. I'm trying to get my head around what they're saying.
It's not that I've chosen to be a person who places such a high value on self-knowledge or that I think it's the only or best way to live; it's just how I am.
And my husband knew that when he married me. In fact, I suspect that deep down, in the part of himself that was struggling in the dark towards greater enlightenment, it's one of the reasons he chose me.
But getting back to "I don't know"...
At first, my husband said he didn’t know why he had had an affair. That answer was completely unacceptable to me and I told him so, with vicious language and fiery rage.
He then stammered that he was lonely and sad and wanted someone to go hiking with who could “keep up with him” because he missed being a person who got to go on long hikes. That answer was completely unacceptable too.
“You mean A PERSON WITH NO KIDS?!?” I screamed at him, pointing out that the only reason he was able to go hiking with his girlfriend on a Saturday morning when he claimed to have a work function is because I was staying home with the kids, and the only reason he was able to be so fit is because I stayed with the kids so that he could go to the gym. “DON’T YOU THINK I MISS HIKING TOO, YOU SELFISH PRICK?!? WHY DIDN’T YOU GET A SITTER AND TAKE *ME* HIKING?!?” I hurled at him.
At that point he was stumped. He couldn’t give me a reason for why, in his loneliness, he didn’t turn to his gorgeous, loving, sexy wife who was working damn hard to organize dates and even the occasional weekend away together. He couldn't explain why he wanted to turn to a stranger instead.
A week or so later, in therapy he said: “You always think I’m not good enough.”
“No,” I said, making the connection for him, “YOU think you’re not good enough. Your ego figured that if it made ME the problem, then you could escape the problem by dumping me for another woman. Because if it faced the truth — that YOU’RE the problem — it would have no way out.”
Shortly after that, I decided: We would separate. I would spend the winter (which is long over here) cocooning and healing. He would choose to know himself, or not. In the spring, I would see what he had to say.
What he eventually had to say showed that he had spent months exploring some very raw territory and finding meaning. The more meaning he found, the more deeply ashamed he felt of his choices. He is still there now.
As Elle says: “I don’t know” is only genuine for the duration of the initial shock, which, by my count, should not last more than a few weeks at most. After that, it’s an excuse to avoid consequences and avoid personal growth.
And I don’t want to spend my time with anyone — co-worker, friend or lover — who avoids consequences and personal growth.
Chinook, you make some good points that I need to further process.
DeleteElle, I have practically no support. We were in MC for about a year when the shit storm hit - coincidentally, we were on a wait list before DDay and the highly recommended EFT therapist saw us right after. I did IC for about a year between MC and after I left MC with several therapists. I did EMDR. It was awful, bc they all sided with WH on me not needing full disclosure, challenging MY beliefs, threatening ME with child services and so on. Looking back, the utter incompetence of the therapists we/I saw in terms of attachment trauma and infidelity traumatized me further and gave him a get of jail card. I was in no state at the time to do better, the only action I could take at the time is to cut therapy.
Just yesterday, my husband’s IC suggested to him (after a particularly awful trigger on my part) that WH has to establish boundaries, because he (WH) needs sleep. I read the whole text exchange and it is truly out of the twilight zone.
I am taking steps, sure, but it is a steep uphill and it is so hard and very often, lonely journey.
Lost somewhere, you are so right, it seems like the uphill goes on and on. In retrospect, I wish when my H said, "I don't know". I wish I would have said, I CALL BULLSHIT. I read a wayward blog and they do remember in general, it may not be as specific as we expect but there are some things in general they do remember. Even the waywards call BULLSHIT on other waywards. They seem to admit they do remember, in general terms. If you ask me what were you doing this time last year, I could tell you in general but not specifics. It is called minimizing, which I call lying. On the IC, it seemed at times the counselor did side with my asshole of the universe. But I stuck with it, I disagreed with her, I argued with her and was just plain stubborn as in "I can't do that." If you think they are wrong call them out and let them know why you think they are wrong. IC didn't work like I thought it would. For me it was going deeper and deeper into what really was the problems. I stuck with the IC and I'm glad I did. She took me farther than I could ever have taken myself.
DeleteLostSomewhere. I'm so sorry you find yourself where you are. You are not alone. I couldn't agree more with the questions Elle asks in her comment. They are questions I asked myself and my H. Tough questions to look at but there is much wisdom and power in them. I found out less than a year ago, and I'm 2.5 years out, that "I don't know" basically meant "I don't want to think about how badly I fucked up" and "I'm not ready to face my shit" I struggled for a year to understand the "why's" of it all, but it wasn't until I truly surrendered to the fact that I have no control over the choices my husband may or may not make, that I was able to fully focus on my personal healing. He really can't hurt me any more than he has. I've let go of my dreams of what I hoped my marriage would be and I'm okay with that now. My marriage was going to shit years before the affair, but it wasn't until D-Day 1 that I started grieving those dreams. Looking back, I remember telling my friend that I realized I had been grieving my marriage 2 years before D-Day 1 and it wasn't enough of a red flag for my H when I shared that knowledge with him. I can't go back. Our lives have been changed, but I'm grateful for that change now. I would have liked for my life to have evolved a bit more gently but that's not how it happened. So I'm learning to make the best of my life for me. He is here and we get along but I just don't worry about what happens with us now. I do care what happens to me though. I'm not ashamed to say that I'm here for the financial comfort and for the comfort of my home during this time of transition, Mine and his, but I'm my main focus. Do I hope we will make it? It would be nice, but I'm okay if we don't. I don't have some picture that it'll be magical if we make it either. The marriage surviving just isn't on the top of my list of things to take care of currently. Been there, tried that. Now it's Michie time. So many hugs going your way...
DeleteIt’s been awhile since I’ve visited this site, but I’ve been in need of some extra support and words of wisdom lately. It was fateful that I opened this post this morning. Chinook, so many of your feelings and thoughts sound identical to mine. I am a little over 3 years past d-day and still struggle with some of these negative coping techniques. By biggest problem is related to the 2nd technique you talked about (trying to figure everything out), but my problem is in relation to the OW. When I first found out about my husband’s almost 2-year affair, I went crazy trying to figure out how the hell this happened to us. The OW was very public and open on social media throughout the affair and from the second I found her first photos and posts, my obsession began. I wanted to find out everything I could and she left way too much to be found. To my husband’s credit, he dropped her pretty-much instantly and refused any further contact. He has cooperated in every facet of our recovery. I asked way too many questions and he answered every single one of them. Two years of therapy and another baby later, we are doing pretty well, considering the circumstances. My on-going obsession with the OW is not because I think there is going to be a repeat affair. I really don’t think that’s going to happen at this point, but as I’ve learned... nothing is certain. Now several years later, my obsession is based more on keeping tabs on her. She lives less than 5 minutes from us. She and I were working within 2 minutes of each other this past year. She also works at my bank. I see her driving all the time. I even got into a car accident and had to watch as she slowly drove by the scene, staring at me. Most recently, I learned that a new colleague of mine is basically her next-door neighbor. I’ve been invited to my colleague’s home and feel like I can’t go because of the circumstances. The OW and I are obviously not on good terms. Her presence still literally makes me shake uncontrollably. For so long, I feel I was living in the dark, being made a fool of as she joked about this whole situation with her friends and family. It still enrages me when I think too much about it. I know that I’m checking-up on her social media because it gives me the illusion of control. I’m smart enough to know it’s only hurting me further and that it keeps her terrible presence in my life. Honestly, it makes me feel so crappy when I feel I can’t just quit doing it. I’m proud to say there have been months that have gone by where I haven’t checked-up on her at all. But then I often slip into an almost habitual routine of doing it on an weekly or even daily basis. At times, I feel more anxious when I’m out in public, not knowing what she’s up to. I’m a teacher and I even had a scare this school year when I thought she might be at my school as a representative from the bank she works for around the corner. She really is everywhere and I like to be prepared if there’s a chance we’ll cross paths again, because it just keeps happening! No where feels safe for me. On the occasions when I know she is out of town, I feel more at peace knowing there’s no chance I’ll run into her. My husband doesn’t know how much I struggle with this and I’m not sure if and how I should bring it up. I feel we need to be careful in how we approach these types of things, even when we’ve seemingly moved-on all these years later. For right now, I’d like to keep the focus on myself. I still often need reminders to do this! If anyone has any good advice on how to deal with OW that live close by or you run into often, I’d greatly appreciate any further words of wisdom. Also, I’m really not sure what to do about my new colleague that invited me to her house (next to the OW’s home). My gut says stay away and make up an excuse not to go. It seems so unfair and feels like I’m giving her control again, but the alternative doesn’t seem worth it. Again, any advice is appreciated!
ReplyDeleteCMK - ugh! I cannot even imagine! I know the anxiety I have about the possibility of running into the OW and I live in a major metropolitan area. Being invited to someone's house next door ... WOW!
DeleteLLP had a situation recently where she ran into a friend of the OW at a grocery store. She decided not to shirk away from her and instead actually engaged her. I don't know ... when I first read it I was like "I don't think I could do that!" ... but maybe, just maybe I could have! There is something about taking ones power back. I've ventured to her side of town a few times lately and I have noticed that the anxiety lessens each time I do. Now ... full confession ... she has sold her home and I have no idea where she's at in my city so there could be some of that coming into play too.
SO ... would going to this colleague's house help you to feel like you have some of your power back? I think that by making up an excuse we are doing so out of shame. And we all know shame can lead to.
Kim, the story about me above is true. I look at it like this. I didn't do anything wrong. Nothing. I look forward to meeting the OW each time. Why? I want to put her on the defensive, I want to make her squirm, I want her to be accountable, I want her to have to look me in the eye. I have run into the OW at the grocery, at Belks and PetSmart. She lives 20 miles from me. I want everyone within hearing distance to know what a skank she is. For example, my computer person who works with me when I have computer connectivity issues, I noticed the OW was his FB friend. So I ask him, do you know Karen, he said no why, I said, she is your FB friend. Then I said, if you ever go fix her computer, wash your hands, she likes married men and I know for a fact she has an STD. Just be careful and wash your hands when you leave. I felt it was my duty to inform you so you won't get sick. He said thanks and left quickly. Now that is taking your power back. You had the power all along, just use it. When I saw the OW in PetSmart, I started in on her, loudly at the checkout so everyone could hear me and the icing on top was yelling in the parking lot, you need to be check for an STD. I don't anything, illegal or threatening like bodily harm. I agree with Kim on taking your power back.
DeleteThank you so much for your reply! I just had the urge to check social media and decided to check here instead to see if anyone left any good advice. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! This really has me thinking because I was feeling the same way... like maybe I should just face it and take some of my power back. My few good friends who know about my situation all said I should stay far away and not go, but they don’t know my situation like you all do (unfortunately for all of us). I’m still not sure what to do, but I’ve got a little time before I have to deal with it. If anyone else reads this and wants to weigh in, I’d be curious to hear what you think. Kimberly, thank you again. I’m still celebrating this little personal victory of not checking social media tonight. One day at a time, right? You have inspired me to get a little more involved in replying to others on this site. You never know when you can make a difference in someone else’s day :)
ReplyDeleteCMK,first of all, good job coming here first. One of the hardest things for us to understand and believe is that the OW, for the most part, especially after her fantasy life of mate poaching falls apart, has moved on to other victims. I'm not excusing your husband's participation because he could have walked away or made other choices but right now you have the power to choose how you set the tone for your day. Every single day. I'm a little more than 4 years out so my emotions and feelings are not so raw anymore. My husband had one brief "affair" in 1982 and then moved on to paid sex so every time I see a massage parlor I actually feel bubbling hatred for my husband and not them. They are victims and he victimized them. As for your new colleague, she probably has no idea of the toxicity and drama her new neighbor is capable of wrecking in her life, especially if she is married and you are not at all obligated to share your story or warm her. Perhaps the two of you will simple be "fair weather friends" instead of "good friends" down the road but for now, do your best to keep your heart open to your new colleague. She has stories too and who knows if she will ever share hers with you? If you like her and want to have an out of work relationship with her, please do not allow the OW to steal your joy or your peace. If your new friend is married you will have time to get to know her and her spouse and decide if you want to warm her. I suspect the OW will be a little nervous to see you too. She will always wonder if you will confront her. You go "high" my friend because the OW is already a wet alley cat. Be like Michelle Obama. This OW has already shown you her character. It's lacking.
DeleteThank you for sharing your thoughts on going through a betrayed married life. I am undergoing the same thing now. Though we don't have kids, and I can refocus on my life, this is the most traumatic experience that one can have. I very recently realized that I have been financially and emotionally abused by my husband and all comforts have been given to another lady with a kid using my resources. This is most traumatic. He stopped talking to me and I am unsure what step I need to take next .Based on your comments I observed that poking to understand his past is more traumatic and not worth it's efforts. Hence I feel I should not do it and rather fotgef him and move on. I have not filed a divorce but would be doing it soon. Thank you for being of great help to lost people like me. I believe all those who are here in this platform would heal and lead a better life. Wishing good for all.
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