Thursday, November 9, 2017

Your all-you-need-to-know post-infidelity guide to quashing hyper-vigilance

by StillStanding1

We used to be able to trust our eyes and ears. Our brains were reliable tools that operated (so we thought) with objectivity and logic. We could trust our guts, our womanly intuition. And then, suddenly, horrifically we learn that our senses have not been telling us the truth, have been faulty or offline.  Our intuition has been fooling us (or maybe we fooled ourselves into not listening to it). Our brains have turned into out-of-control locomotives, racing down the tracks of some dark, unfamiliar land and we are helpless to stop it. We feel crazy. We can’t stop thinking about a thousand “what ifs” and “I should have seen this” and mind movies and “oh my God!!! Make it stop.” And we can’t stop crying. Randomly. In the grocery. Driving to pick up the kids at school. Hearing a song on the radio. We’re afraid to watch the TV in case something triggers us. We are standing in the tall grass and we know the lions are coming for us. Suddenly, the whole world is a danger zone.
Post-infidelity we become hyper-vigilant and hyper-sensitive. Bright lights, loud noises, crowded spaces, everything makes us jump out of our skin or fall to our knees. It is a natural response to such a massive threat to safety. We have been traumatized and old reptilian parts of the brain kick in, trying to keep us safe from future harm. We overthink everything. As more details come to light, in a process quaintly dubbed “trickle truth,” we attempt to create a narrative that makes sense. When I was with our daughter at the nephrologist, trying to determine why a 16-year-old would have kidney stones, you were on a “business trip.” When you were in the basement playing that song, it wasn’t for me.
We start looking for clues everywhere. We turn into sleuths, searching online, on their phones, asking questions, checking in, examining credit card and phone bills, installing questionable tracking apps. We start analyzing every word, every facial expression. Did he blink and look left? Was what he just said true? What did he leave out? What is he hiding? Why didn’t he check in when he said he would? What doesn’t add up? We scour books and articles for any clues that might tell us what the hell is happening and how to make it stop. And we think and think and worry and think and worry and brace for impact. We don’t want to be fooled again. We are constantly on watch.
It’s exhausting. There’s no one to spell us when our watch is over, so we are constantly alert to the possibility of more lies and deception. We don’t sleep. We don’t eat. It’s not sustainable. All these activities, all the sleuthing wears us out and they get in the way of taking care of ourselves. Our instinct is fight or flight. But if we are constantly scanning the horizon for new threats, we can’t slow down and listen to what our bodies, our gut, is telling us about right now.
Tuning in to ourselves is the first step toward stopping the crazy train of hyper-vigilance. How do you do this?  Be still and take slow, deep breaths. Pause, note what is happening (my heart is pounding, I’m sweating, I’m panicking), label it.  When I say label it, I mean acknowledge the feeling or emotion or fear. When you give the thing a name, you have power over it (and not the other way around). Search for objective evidence before reacting (and if you can’t, if you’ve been triggered, be kind and gentle with yourself about it). Be mindful. Pay attention to what your body is telling you. But to do this, you need to slow down and listen. The final step to working with and through hyper-vigilance is to set boundaries with the person (or people – I’m looking at you in-laws of the world) who trigger you.
Boundaries are about what you will and will not tolerate. It’s a way to hold ourselves and others accountable for acting with integrity and treating us with respect.  Boundaries work best when you are clear on the consequences if certain lines are crossed. Boundaries take the place of hyper-vigilance because they do the same job. They keep an eye on things but with boundaries, you can eat, or take a nap, or run, or visit friends, or meditate because boundaries will be on duty, so you don’t have to be.
Recently, I had another little rumble with over-thinking and hyper-vigilance. I got more information (ref. trickle truth above). It was really disappointing, more deception uncovered, and it made me wonder: Was I over thinking? Did he mean what I think he meant or did I misunderstand? Is he really that manipulative? Is it on purpose? Is my bias now leading me to see everything as evidence for the conclusions I have already drawn? And I see this over-thinking playing out in a cycle of depression and losing the threads of my self-care regimen. I’m tired so I make less time for running, so I eat poorly, so I feel tired, so I make less time for the gym, so I start to feel less worthy and stress about my weight, so I eat poorly so I feel too tired or sad to work out. It’s a self-perpetuating doom loop.
Once I notice, I can pause, note that I am over-thinking and try to bring myself back to the present. Right now, I am OK. Right now, I am breathing. Right now, I have a roof over my head and enough to eat. Right now, there are people who love me. Right now, I can choose to go for a walk. Right now, I can soak in the tub, take a multi-vitamin, eat an apple, call a friend. I can make a choice that puts my care and feeding first. And can you too.
Because ultimately, all the FBI level, hyper-vigilance in the world isn’t going to stop a person from cheating, if they choose to do so. It isn’t going to stop us from being hurt in the future (because good news! if you are alive and human, life is going to be both amazing and painful, sometimes at the same time). It isn’t going to change the past, no matter how much we wish it would. We can only, in the end, control ourselves. When we stop trying to control those who have hurt us, we release ourselves from so much suffering.

It’s hard. You’ll stumble. You might have a good day and then suddenly notice on a walk that you are 15 minutes into rehearsing a rant at the OW. It’s OK. Here’s your opportunity. Pause. Breathe. Notice. Breathe. Label. Breathe. Let it go. Breathe.

54 comments:

  1. I enjoyed your post. I can relate 100%, I am 2 months and 8 days from DDay H is remorful, supportive and my rock through all this...crazy that he is considering he caused this terrible pain. I have good days and bad days. Anything triggers me. I cry at the drop of a dime and mostly I am terrified of the what if. We are attending counselling together, he is very patient with me. I forgave him and I do believe he will never make this mistake again. I believe him, then why can't I move forward and be blessed I still have his love, our home and I have not lost him? His infidelity was 100% his choice and I do not take blame for any of that but I have opened my heart to realize I do take blame for the reason he had a brief sexual affair. I wasn't there, I wasn't considering his needs and wants that he did approach me of his unhappiness over the last 3 years pre-DDay. I ignored him, not purposely but I did and for that I am remorseful. I believe we have an amazing marriage I believe we both really love each other extremely, we are making weekly dinner dates, 1 day a month at a hotel and we both feel as though we are dating again it's actually amazing and I believe we will come out of this stronger and better so why and how much longer will I feel this terrible hurt??

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous,
      You'll feel it as long as you feel it. And even when you think it's "over", you might feel it again when something reminds you. I don't mean to sound flip but there's just no timeline. The pain does tend to dissipate more quickly when you take the time to actually process your feelings rather than push them down, or numb yourself. And having a supportive husband and a marriage that genuinely feels better is certainly going to help. But betrayal is devastating. It hits on a primal level -- it goes to the heart of our sense of who we are, who we can trust, what we believe. It hits our fear of abandonment, our fear of rejection. So even though, intellectually, you can make sense of why the affair happened, on a deeper level, it was a trauma. So be patient with yourself. Talk when you need to, cry when you feel like it. Trust that you will get through this on your own time.

      Delete
  2. Thank you, I really needed this today xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  3. I cried reading this, I truly needed to hear this also. Thank you. I'm tired of feeling like a victim, I want my life back. I understand I need to grieve and take in the pain in order to heal. I also understand I am only 2 months since DDay and I have quite the road of recovery ahead of me. It's truly is terrible. I have moments where I'm doing good and don't think of but as soon as that happens I switch gears right away and become sad, its almost like it's fake and I shouldn't feel good?? I believe it's fear but I'm not to sure. I hope to see light at the end of tunnel one day and I hope it's not years down the road. I am a strong person but this pain seems stronger then me. I am in the middle of reading all the blogs on this wonderful, you and all the others are so inspiring and so helpful. I love looking for tip's and advice on how to continue this journey without wanting to completely loose my mind. Again thank you ALL and it makes me sad to know that I'm. Not alone kmowing how difficult this trauma is but on the other hand it makes me so happy to be able to share stories. Xoxox

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Trulyheartbroken,
      I'm so sorry you have to be here, but so glad you found us. Yes, I felt exactly as you describe in the beginning. If any joy creeped in, the terrible flooded in to take it's place. For me, it was a way to remind myself not to forget. Not to lose sight of the loss. It's not that I was so scared of the despair (I was already there so much if the time), but a fear of the fall from happiness. It's like a fear of heights. I'd climb a little on the happiness scale, and use the despair to send me right back to the ground. Next time I'd climb a little higher maybe... then back to the ground. Be patient with yourself and keep climbing as you are able. Have gratitude when you're able to feel some joy, and don't struggle to hold it for now. You will eventually fly again if you keep climbing. If you're like me, it's not the lows you're afraid of, it's the fall from a height. Your brain does this to keep you safe at ground level for a while. Hugs!!

      Delete
    2. Trulyheartbroken, I remember being where you are right now. I am at 2 1/2 years + past dday and it does get better but it at least for me felt like a roller coaster ride at times. I will tell you what has helped me. Early on we chose to set aside time once a week when we would talk. This helped so we could avoid when the kids were home or awake, we would do it at a good time for both of us (it was never good if one of us was tired etc), we could both mentally prepare and also even for me I did not want to talk about this every day. So by having the once a week meeting we were able to focus on ourselves individually, our kids and doing positive things together the other times. I would journal every day. Some days I would write questions, words, paragraphs. I would look back at what I wrote for the week before our meeting and that would help me not go off on tangents when we talked. It helped me to feel better after our discussions. Also I was able to look back through my journal and see how far I had come or if there was still something bothering me. That helped me a lot. We did a ton of work setting boundaries and expectations. And these evolved over time. We started off pretty basic and then as time went on I would say the boundaries increased. I think partially due to both of our expectations increased for him and our marriage. I could go into a ton of details but one thing is I felt like we would go through phases. It would be great and then I might feel like we were too busy and going back to how it felt pre dday. One thing I personally decided was if something was bothering me I would ask. If I felt like he was distant, was on his phone too much really anything. If I did not bring it up I would let it sit with me.

      One other thing with at least my husband is even though he broke off both of his affairs 15 months before dday he really had a ton of work to do. It all makes sense now since these affairs were not about these two women and could have been anyone. He had been living his life pretty much for his entire life just for himself. That was how he was raised. Well once dday hit he knew he needed to change but that has been a long process for him. He has done really well but it really was less about the affairs and more about who he is as a person. And on dday he was not sure he could change as much as he knew he needed to. So far so good. It has been filled with lots of highs and lows. And I have had that fake feeling and too good bot be true feeling a lot. But I keep sticking with it. I promised myself I would give it my all and my husband has given me enough reason to stick by his side. He has changed so much and made the most of his second chance. And honestly I hate what he did but working through this together has brought us closer together.

      Hang in there and remember we are all here for you.

      Delete
    3. Trulyheartbroken
      Yes, this pain and trauma is unimaginable and the experience is so very lonely. You are going to make it, just like us :) it’s important to focus on you and self care. Sleep and eating are so hard to manage because your mind is racing and your body aches so bad the hunger is absent.
      You are not alone and so very happy you found this site. Elle has “spot on” daily insight and inspiration that opens doors to healing and sharing. Hugs!

      Delete
    4. Truly, I'm sorry that things have happened to bring you here, but so glad you found us. It's an amazing place of love and acceptance and as Elle often reminds us, there's an army of women who have your back. It can be incredibly helpful to know that when it all feels like too much.
      At 2 months out, congratulate yourself for being upright, breathing and able to type. Honestly. I was in complete shock and barely functioning.
      Your brain is an amazing thing and right now it is doing a job for which it has been programmed over millennia: it is trying to keep you safe, keeping the most recent "danger" so you can not be harmed in that way again. It's uncomfortable, for sure and exhausting. But also a necessary part of the process, I think.
      And Truly, no matter what happens, no matter which direction you choose to take your story (or your story chooses to go) you are going to be OK. I promise. Just hang in, keep breathing. Hugs!

      Delete
  4. What a fantastic post StillStanding, you describe the hypervigilence perfectly. Four years after D-Day I've found out that my husband is still hiding things, deceiving me and lying to my face. I asked for what I needed, he gave me access to phone and computer but I guess he reckoned I wouldn't look too closely and I didn't want to, I didn't want to be the detective but the way D-day and D-day2 and some other information unfolded I had no confidence that he would ever tell me things himself - even though he knew it would be better for the relationship than hiding it. He had his reasons for hiding - he thought I'd blow a fuse (and I probably would, thought I'd end the relationship, shame, afraid of anger (no conflict in his original family), his actions were serving a purpose for him so he wanted to keep going etc etc. I've had to really draw a line in the sand now, and say that unless I can see real evidence that he is doing whatever work he needs to open up then we just can't have a relationship. I don't think my boundaries in the past were clear enough. It's only since I started to take care of myself and see what I've been through and what I want from a relationship and how I want my mental health to be that I've said, look I can't be in this kind of relationship. Regretfully, I'll have to go if you aren't able to change the habit of a lifetime - getting close to women through the white knight opening and making himself feel better through their gratitude. I wish it hadn't taken this long for things to become clear. But it's not so clear what is going on, you're confused when you first find out, you're low. I wish I'd had the clarity earlier to say I can't live with the uncertainty and having to check and wondering but there's a period of time where you think they are trying their best and you haven't found anything else out so you think that the problem is you, your triggered brain, your anxiety. And it might well be. Right now, in a way I'm glad I found out that he's been having female friendships again too close to the fire, that he is still hiding things. I can finally take definitive action. We are now seeing a counsellor. I know they can lie to a counsellor too. Maybe this is one chance too far but there won't be a next one and he knows it and he seems to be so cast down now that he wants to find out if he can turn this around. It Has been totally exhausting living with all this uncertainty. It's been a very rough few years. I'm not going to do it anymore.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fragments of Hope,
      Thank you for sharing this part of your story. I fear, too, that my h has white knight/knight in shining armor syndrome.

      It's been 14 mos since dday, and the uncertainty has recently reared its ugly head again. I feel like looking through his phone, but like you, I don't want to play detective. You're right; it's absolutely exhausting.

      Separation has been on my mind a lot this past month. My h still believes he had the affair b/c he "didn't get what [he] needed from me," that I was "emotionally unavailable." He has not taken a deep, hard look at himself as our MC has suggested (multiple times). We have been in MC for 13 mos. He has not called his physician. He has not saught IC.

      A few days ago, I had had enough (again) and told him nothing will improve/change until he explores WHY he had the affair. His response: He has already dealt with what he did. Why should he go through it all again and analyze it?

      I have no words.

      Delete
    2. Hi Jo, Your husband thinks the affair is due to problems in the marriage, there may or may not have been issues but he chose a terrible way of dealing with it. There were issues in our marriage and both of us have dealt badly with them in the past. But this white knight thing runs back past the beginning of our relationship, his ego boosting tactics the same. Things have been so much better between us but he has massive work stress so his bad habits and bad ways of dealing with things still go on. I think your intuition is right that your husband has not faced up to what was in him to do what he did. If you are like me you feel like checking because 1) you haven't really recovered from the huge shock 2) and you don't have enough to go on to trust him. Believe in what you feel and do what you need, ask for what you need and decide what you can accept and what you will walk away from. I've only been able to think this way since I did a course on anxiety and depression and began to value myself. I wish I'd seen more clearly sooner. Good luck Jo x

      Delete
    3. Thank you, Fragments of Hope.
      I agree w/what you stated in 1) and 2) above. Some days I still can't believe my h was capable of so much destruction.

      Delete
  5. Wow...Again, I say wow. This is SO exactly what I needed to hear right now. Thank you so much...hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thank you,so inspiring. Other then my husband and therapist I feel alone.this site is unbelievable. I am working so hard and trying everyday. If he's being so supportive and remorsel I should be on the road to recovery shouldn't I? He's really really trying, it's me I'm the one who can't seem to get out of this grut victim mode. And there's we have the damn triggers. I see them or picture them I close my eyes and just change the image quickly although it does help that sure isn't the way I want to live the rest of my life?? Wondering where any of you were 2 months post DDay? Am I doing okay with my recovery? Are things hopeful?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Trulyheartbroken,
      You will not both get through this at the same pace. For some men, it seems nuts but they're almost grateful to be caught because the stress of carrying on is horrible. So yippee for them right? Here we are dealing with the fallout of it. What's more, it's new to us whereas they've known all along what was going on. So don't put any pressure on yourself to feel a certain way. You will get through this at the rate that you can and the best way you can.
      Two months from D-Day, I could barely function. I would put on my "mask" for the public then fall apart in private. I figured I'd leave my marriage as soon as I could find the energy to left my head off the pillow. So give yourself a pat on the back. And don't make yourself try "so hard". Give yourself a break. Be gentle with yourself. This isn't a race. You are healing from a devastating blow. And yes, you will get through this. And I don't doubt that someday you'll be offering advice to other newly betrayed wives who find themselves here. But for now...rest.

      Delete
    2. Trulyheartbroken, I felt similar at 2 months. For me I felt like if he felt good then I should be there too and honestly I wanted to get over this and fast. I wished it could be like other items on my to do list. It did take time. And try to look at your husband's efforts as a positive. I think it makes it slightly easier if they are doing everything they should and you need. But it is a process and time is so critical. It has been said on here if you rush the recovery it will not help you. I agree with Elle my husband was so happy to have gotten the burden off of him and that I was giving him a second chance he never felt better. It felt conflicting since I felt the worst I ever had but he was seemingly on cloud nine. It took me personally that first 9 months to work through the pain, resentment and anger. For me the one year anniversary of dday was a good day and I felt in a good place. Saying that though there are highs and lows. I stress making sure to look at things realistically and remember how far you have come. Give yourself time. In the beginning we both said no to most social and other responsibilities and focused on taking care of ourselves individually and spending time together. One article that really helped my husband brought home for me to read was in The Atlantic, Masters of Love. It had a lot of good insights. And honestly my husband had to start and continue proving himself over and over. He has done a really good job but if anything my expectations are higher than ever now 2 1/2 + years post dday. He respects that and wants to live up to that. Every day is not perfect but I can see his actions match his words which for me is the true test. Give it time and take care of yourself first and foremost!!

      Delete
    3. Trulyheartbroken,
      I would say yes. Yes you are normal for this stage. 2 months is just long enough for some of the protective shock to wear off and for the real pain to be occurring and confusing you at the same time. At 2 months I cried every day upon awakening and realizing this wasn't a bad dream. At two months I could not make sense of my emotions. They wouldn't do what I thought they should do. I didn't know if I could keep living even. I felt like I was drowning. Then I'd be fine. Then I'd be angry. Then struggling to stand while crying. I want to assure you that you WILL get better and you will understand yourself again. Changes are occurring inside you. Let those changes come and love yourself. Eat, breathe, sleep. Ask for help. Treat yourself like your own child or best friend. Don't rush to make sense to yourself or anyone else. What happened to you makes no sense. It's normal to be baffled, confused, mad, drawn to your H and repelled at the same time... it sucks, but is normal. You are not crazy or slow to heal. You are traumatized and you are doing everything you can to heal. Healing will come. Feel us all hugging you and waiving you in. One step at a time. You can do this.

      Delete
    4. Truly heartbroken
      Two months I was still crying most of the day and barely functioning. Yes what you feel is fairly normal given the circumstances. Like Elle said, my h was so relieved to not have to hide any more. He has had to be really patient while I healed. 3 years post dday and mostly good days now. You'll get there when you're ready. Can't rush and you have to work hard to take care of your needs! Hugs!

      Delete
    5. Thank you, such difficult days but I do have so many positives to hold on to and that helps. Xo

      Delete
    6. You all make me feel so much better even though the sadness can still haunt me... :(

      Delete
  7. This is a great post. For me it felt like an evolution and something I needed to go through. There was a phase for that hype vigilance. And I do know I felt the need to be that way due to the trickle truth and his "not remembering" things. Some of the things I found happened purely by accident. It really does make you feel crazy. And I know for me it allowed me to feel some level of control in this crazy downward spiral I was feeling. And in the end I just had to get to that point of feeling that I had been detective long enough. And there was that realization that I could look forever but if he really wants to cheat he will find a way. My husband said it best that he would act differently. When he is distant I do ask him why and he will realize quickly that he was acting differently. And even better now he will say to me without prompting that he is distant due to xyz at work. It is nice he is telling me before I ask. To me it is almost part of the grieving process to go through this phase with betrayal. Now I am so matter of fact when I ask questions or lay something on the line. I am stronger than ever and know what I want and expect from a marriage/relationship. And my husband knows I do not need him or want this relationship no matter what. But it has been a definite evolution.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Thank you for this post. I am 2 years from D-day.I have far more good days than bad but it remains a struggle at times. My H is remorseful and staying well within the boundaries that were set on D-day. Recently I have realized what you have posted...that I can control how I respond to most of what triggers me. If I take a deep breath I can usually maintain control. That doesn't mean that there isn't the occasional trigger that catches me off guard and will bring tears to my eyes instantly but it is easier with time. 2years ago when I reached out to you wonderful warriors I was told to give myself time. At that time I considered "time" to be a nasty 4 letter word....I wanted to be through it...over it but I have found that it doesn't work that way, It literally takes time.Be kind to yourselves....continue to reach out and know that you are not alone. Hugs, Gage

    ReplyDelete
  9. Love this ss1, hits every spot!!! Thank you my love xxx

    ReplyDelete
  10. I remember clearly before Dday my mind was racing to figure out what was going on. We had been struggling for a good 10 weeks (this was when the affair started and I had no idea) he went on a business trip and made the EA then physical. Upon his return home I questioned if he had connected with this woman, as she resides in the same state of his business trip. He defiantly said NO for the second time and became angry that I didn’t believe or trust him.


    We had a family ski trip scheduled two weeks after that and he expressed that he was dreading it. I told him fine...stay home. The kids and I will head to Montana and ski our hearts out. It’s what we loved to do as a family. In the end he went with. We had a great time but he and I just still were off. I could tell he was hiding something.

    After returning home I remember being a complete mess and at a loss as to what to do. I was a complete zombie daily. I had sunburned my lips skiing and was putting chapstick on hourly. I ventured to the grocery store and was an emotional wreck. I grabbed and held a few items in the store and after a bit had my arms full. At one point a kind voice behind me said, “Miss would you like a basket?” I turned and smiled and I accepted the basket and said thanks. I paid and went to the car with my groceries. As I sat in the car, I wiped my chin and came away with a handful of blood. My lip had cracked in the store as I smiled and I didn’t feel the warm blood running. Talk about a mess! I didn’t even care how I looked or what everyone thought. That one kind gentleman in the store looked at me with a huge smile and overlooked what was going on with me. I think he could sense something was going on inside. I think back to many occurrences like that and have learned to treat strangers with kindness. You truly don’t see the battles they are fighting.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Heartfelt,
      The kindness of strangers would move me to tears, still does sometimes. Now i've learned to brace myself when I feel it coming on, don't want to scare anyone, ha.
      I'm not really sure why it would make me so emotional. Maybe because betrayal made me feel unworthy?? Such a nobody I didn't deserve to be treated as special?
      Thanks for the reminder that we have no idea what strangers may be going through.

      Delete
  11. I can only say that I am truly grateful for your post SS1. I am deeply touched and feel so understood. It's like I've been wrapped in a soft fluffy blanked of love and safety. Thank you ♥

    ReplyDelete
  12. But you all seem so level headed posting here.... Where is the anger I feel... am I alone?? He distroyed us. He distroyed my childrens ideals of a marriage and a family. He distroyed the most important role model for their future relationships. If I want to be selfish i can also say he distroyed me... I gave him all of me... I was so engaged in trying to make him happy putting his needs and demands over our children even. Now this. Im forced to look down on myself. Im constantly worried ill run into her and look hideous. Im stressed seeing friends because of the shame. Im stressed everyone will find out and ill be forever compared to her more beautiful skinny and talented. Why do i have to live with so much self hate now??? I did not put this inside me... he did. Again and again. I'm am very angry. I've blasted him With every name u can think if. I've thrown things I've smashed things. I've thrown his clothes outside i've wrote on his car (with my kids sidewalk chalk :(. I've done so many shameful revenge stupid things (threw his lunch in garbage... dumped out his coffee in the morning) None of it works in making me feel better... I know this. But I'm angry. He completely and utterly blindsided me.

    I'm stuck. I'm stuck and I'm hateful and so so so sad I chose this man. Someone who I thought was kind and humble and honest. Cared about others and gave of himself... in most cases this is still true...except he never does this for me. Im so hateful I cpuld explode some nights... and i do. I hate this. This is not ths life I wanted.

    How to get rid of the hate. ... hai the level head and keep it. It's killing me

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous,
      I knocked a television set of the table, I smashed a $1000 watch, I destroyed a diamond necklace. Trust me, I know anger.
      But you're right. It never made me feel better. In fact, it made me feel ashamed of myself.
      And that, I think, is the root of your anger too. I think you're feeling so much shame about what he did to you and how it's making you feel about yourself. Anger is a secondary emotion, usually masking hurt and fear. And I suspect that you are feeling more hurt and more frightened than ever in your life.
      But here's the thing, Anonymous. You don't have to feel this way. He didn't cheat on you because you're not skinny enough, or beautiful enough, or talented enough. He cheated on you because there's something wrong with him, not because there's something wrong with you.
      And you need to know that deep in your bones in order to heal from this. You need to begin to love yourself in a way that protects you from whatever anyone else says or thinks or feels about you. You say he put this inside you? I say it was there all along. And what his actions told you was that you were right all along about your own shortcomings. And that is simply not true.
      You and your husband can use this horrible painful experience to set a different example for your kids, if you choose to. You can show them that someone can make an awful mistake and that they can show themselves to be deserving of forgiveness. And you can show them that someone can hurt them terribly and they can find a way to rise above it -- by respecting themselves and by responding with a certain dignity. By demanding a partner who lives a life of integrity. It isn't the falling down, it's the getting back up that teaches our kids how to respond to pain in their own lives.
      Find a way to express your anger in a way that doesn't make you feel awful and isn't harmful to anyone else in your family. Drive your car to the country and scream until you're hoarse. Punch pillows. Take up kick-boxing or running. Write the nastiest angriest letter you can imagine and then light it on fire.
      And then let yourself cry those angry tears and feel that terrible pain and fear. Because behind that is healing. Behind that is a heart that can remain open.
      And behind that is a future in which you no longer give someone else all of you but rather learn to keep enough of you for yourself. It isn't your job to give yourself way, it's your job to share yourself.

      Delete
  13. Hey friends and warriors all,
    Interesting that after I wrote this and it was posted, I saw a really interesting discussion with an imminent psychologist about three important functions in our brain and how they relate to trauma.
    So first is the whole fight or flight thing. We sense danger or respond to danger with adrenaline and increased heart rate. We are ready to break some necks or get the flock out of here. And when that threat is not a leopard stalking us, and/or when it goes on for prolonged periods of time, we start to carry it in our bodies. We feel the same things and it becomes anxiety (or we call it that, its still the same parts of our brain).
    The next response is freeze. So when the other options aren't viable or add to the threat, we freeze up. (Maybe if we don't move, the leopard won't notice us). All kinds of things shut down in freeze mode.
    Thing is; this is all freaking amazing. When you look at all those responses, it is our bodies and brains doing exactly what they are supposed to do. I know this understanding has really helped me stop fighting fear and anxiety.
    The cool thing is that just like the alarm system on your car, our fight/flight/freeze mechanisms can be set of inadvertently, when there is no real threat to our safety. And just like our cars, there are actual things we ca do to "chirp, chirp" or alarms off.
    Just like certain things trigger fight or flight, there are signals of safety that lower our heart rate, calm us down and give us feelings of well being:
    1. Rubbing your arms - you or a loved one can rub your arms and you will start to feel better!
    2. holding your cheeks - (what?) putting a hand on your cheek gently, or both with help you feel safer
    3. placing your hand over your heart
    4. a smile from a safe person (and guess what, you can smile at yourself in a mirror and it helps too)
    5. seven deep even belly breaths

    So the next time your anxiety or alarm system goes off and you've verified that there is no danger, try these things to send signals of safety to yourself.
    Hugs! SS1

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. These are great. I think I'll copy and paste them into our coming-soon FAQ section -- "how can we calm ourselves when triggered?"

      Delete
  14. Trulyheartbroken
    I'm so sorry you had to find this blog but just know that it is what kept/keeps me moving forward. This is such a hurtful thing but it is something that can be used to make your relationship more than it was. Take it slow and just keep doing the things that get you through the moment. Sending you hugs and just know that we all know how you feel!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Oh boy!! Overthinking? Yep that’s me in spades. Six years of overthinking. I’m dead tired. And it’s nit what he’s not doing. His actions these past years proves every day his love and respect for me. But what doesn’t ever go away EVER is knowing what they are capable of. This is what “i “ know. This is the only real known fact. He is capable of being cruel, thoughtless, selfish, tacky, desperate, immoral, ignorant, dangerous, and stupid.

    Playing detective, although don’t much anymore, is my repellian brain saying scan the horizon for danger. Look for the deceit because it’s there lurking beneath the facade of normalcy. Trust no one and nothing. Danger is always up ahead. It’s become so inane and so etched in my brain it doesn’t stop. Even when I️ try so hard to make it stop. It’s second or even primary now. They say if you do something over and over it becomes easier to do. So I’ve mastered the over thinking and hyper vigilance. And sadly we’re we to divorce and I️ would dare to find another relationship I’d transfer that experience to a new person in my life. It’s become a part of who I️ am.

    But I’ll keep practicing self love and forgiveness and breathing until I️ can hopefully change my paradigm.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Trying Hard,
      I'm glad that you are practicing self-love and forgiveness and breathing. And I'm going to suggest something. Forgive me if I'm off-base. But I wonder if part of what's getting in the way of releasing him from "what he's capable of" (I would argue we're all capable of that) is your reluctance to let yourself off the hook. I wonder if you could extend radical compassion to yourself to just love yourself utterly and bask in your own complicated wonderfulness that you might be able to extend that compassion to him. I just wonder if you're particularly hard on yourself...

      Delete
    2. TryingHard - good to hear from you here. And you are spot on with what I do, too. I know we have talked about this - all this trying to catch every little thing to try to have some sort of control when there is really no control over anything outside of ourselves.

      I'm finding it hard not to just fall into the "this is good enough" and just live with it kind of feeling. Mainly because I am just so damn tired of trying to heal, of trying to get my husband to see what I'm saying or meaning or what he needs to do at work since they still have contact. I'm just tired. Even on good days I'm just tired. Maybe it's all just "good enough." Oh well.

      Delete
  16. StillStanding1 - Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! You just put into a blog exactly how I've felt since June 20. When you're first in the trenches you feel so alone. You feel like you're losing your mind. You feel like you'll NEVER see the light of day again quite the same way. And the further you get from D-Day, the more you start to question yourself and that fateful decision that you chose to stay ...

    I'm working on exchanging fear for faith and making that faith about ME instead of anyone else. Having faith in my instincts. Having faith in my ability to take care of myself. Having faith in my self worth and thoughts. Because at the end of the day ... I'm only in control of ME!

    So today - 143 days post DDay ... I'm going to breath through it ... just like I was taught to breath through labor pains, I'm going to breath through infidelity pains.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's such an incredible metaphor -- labour pains and infidelity pains. It's very much like that. Feels relentless, doesn't it? But maybe, just maybe, something is being born. And, if we work hard, that something is us.

      Delete
  17. SS1,
    Your post brings me comfort. Thank you for sharing. I am 14 months post dday... a lot of your words resonate with me. Thankful to have found this site and the warrior women sharing their stories.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Ok here goes...

    I am 2.5 years from dday 1, almost 2 years from the final dday.

    It does get better. I promise.

    When I first found out, and I read that it would take years to get over this, I honestly thought "screw it." I was sorely tempted to chuck my tattered marriage away but something stopped me. That something initially was my kids, because I didn't want to put them through the trauma of a complicated divorce.

    Then I started to see small changes in him. He made the effort to keep me in the loop, involved me in his work, talked about everything and anything, trusted me with his harrowing childhood stories. I slowly, slowly realised that his infidelity was his (terrible) way of escaping, of pushing boundaries, of holding on to something deep within himself that he was scared to live without, because he had never felt good enough, loved enough, safe enough to let go. He messed up and I hated him. I really hated him. I probably hated him for a year solid. He saw me become horribly thin both physically and mentally. I became a ghost person. I wasn't inhabiting my own skin. Instead my heart and mind were locked in another place, piecing together the fragments of truth and hiding from the pain. But you know what? He was there, he rode the wild donkey alongside me, he took my shit but wasn't afraid to call me out when I needed it.

    Now, after a lot of work on both our parts, things are different. I hesitate to say better, although they are a vast improvement on the months following dday. We cannot go back, no matter how much living in a bubble can seem appealling. We live in the here and now in all its dirty, messy, beautiful glory. And, shocking as it may sound, I wouldn't have it any other way.

    As a result of trauma, of having my world turned upside down, I have been forced to face myself and my own demons. I know myself and I love who I am. Sure, I wish I had behaved with a bit more dignity at time (yeah...the OW heard a few unpleasant truths from me.)

    To the newly betrayed....you really have got this. It isn't about you, but it is an opportunity to make it about you, to put yourself first and realise that you can deal with this shit and come out of it a stronger woman, deserving of love, kindness and honesty.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are vet correct Hazel!

      Delete
    2. I needed to read this, only with months in and I'm not seeing anything past TODAY. My husband is doing great and working just as hard as I am but I have a hard time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Please encourage me...how do I know my husband will remain as amazing in the months to follow as he is now? What can I do to keep him from making a mistake again? If I stay STUCK I will loose him as he will see no hope in us, I know I need to be positive and self conscious to keep my marriage alive. The more I continue to stay stuck I feel the worse will come. I notice when I'm confident and happy on those RARE days he's so happy and things look up but then I fall and I'm worried...how were your first few months?

      Delete
    3. Your story is my story is your story. And so many others. Thanks Hazel. This was my experience almost verbatim. I'd love to re-post this as a stand-alone. Is that okay with you? I'd like everybody to read this...

      Delete
    4. Trulyheartbroken
      I'm so sorry you are struggling with this. If you read more of the blog you will see that most of us have experienced the same fears that you have when we find ourselves stuck and we see our h finally behaving the way they should. There's always a fear that he just learned to be a better deceiver. This is the hardest thing anyone of us have ever lived with. However, it does get better with time and a h that consistently proves how much he's willing to do that will help your pain. My h was so relieved that he no longer had to hide and he was looking at us moving forward a lot quicker than was possible. He has had to be extremely patient and he has had to endure a lot of ugly meltdowns but he just keeps picking me up and helping me through with his remorse and love. It's been a roller coaster ride that I hope is coming to stop but occasionally that sucker takes off at warp speed and I find myself back at the beginning. However, those triggers are becoming fewer and farther between and that alone gives my h and me the strength and courage to keep fighting through those hard times. Hugs! I know how this hurts!

      Delete
    5. Yes Elle, I am happy for you to share this.

      And trulyheartbroken,I was a mess in the early months, and that is ok. I needed to cry and I needed him to bear witness to how much it had hurt me.

      Take each minute, hour, day as it comes. Be gentle. Do things that bring you joy. Get sone fresh air (a lifesaver for me! Walking outside gave me physical and mental relief - those walls can close in fast!)

      Get counselling. It is worth every penny for a good therapist.

      And know that this is on him. No matter what state your marriage was in, an affair is never the answer. You are lovable and worthy of love and more fool him for forgetting that.

      And lastly, here, on this site you will find a wealth of info and support. Read the archives. So much wisdom on these pages xx

      Delete
    6. Thank you Hazel so much. Your words and advice mean's a lot to me.
      Xoxox

      Delete
    7. Hugs to you Theresa. I'm not sure if you truly know how good your words make me feel. Thank you
      Xoxoxox

      Delete
    8. Hazel, I am anxious to be at this place, it seems so much more peaceful then we're I am now...although I don't really know you, I know the hurt, pain and anger infidelity causes so for that my heart is happy for you and one day I will be there. I Will work as hard as you did and will deserve this new happiness as you do now.
      Xoxoxox

      Delete
  19. Bravo you summed this up amazingly. 2.5 years out I'm much better I still have my days but as long as my self care is front and center and my H is putting the work in then I am too. I actually have time i don't think about it or am too busy too. Still processing and work on this but a long way ice come from lying on that damn bathroom floor. This site has been a lifeline and I'm grateful for all of you.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I still chant wounded ... not broken!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Bravo Hazel! I’m at 2 years and 5 months and can relate. Lately I have days when I don’t think about it at all. I feel like the missing pieces are slowly coming back into view and moving in the right direction. My husband has been consistently reliable since D-day and I’m beginning to trust a lot more.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My husband shows amazing signs seems as reliable as your husband. I hope this continues for me as it did you. I'm so happy for you and your marriage I can only hope my husband stays ( 2 months since D-DAY) as reliable as he's been. Hugs to you xoxo this is so hard!!!!

      Delete
  22. You are all so inspiring. I'm taking one day at a time and allowing myself to grieve. My husband is so wonderful and patient with me. I am working hard. I will continue to read all these posts as they really really help. I do feel some hope and will strive on that feeling. One day at a time is what I'm doing. Thank you all xoxox

    ReplyDelete
  23. I definitely italy feel on edge. Even at 13months out. Like I am preparing for the next 'attack'. But I put that down to the secretive nature of it all. Only 2 close friends know. I just have this feeling like it's not over yet. It's unresolved. I think it is because I fear a confrontation with the OW who is local and in similar circles.

    "You might have a good day and then suddenly notice on a walk that you are 15 minutes into rehearsing a rant at the OW. It’s OK. "

    This part made me feel somewhat normal (it actually made me laugh because it is SO true!!). I hate it when I catch myself doing this. I have wasted so much time and energy on these imaginary rants! It happens way more than I would like it to and it just fuels my desire to have that rant for real! I often seem to drift into this zone in the car or when falling asleep. It seems to happen unprovoked...like a daydream I am not in control of.

    I can't exercise without falling into this zone unless it's a high energy team sport. Running/walking are all especially triggering because that is where the OW and my H bonded. Weekly parkruns are excruciating for me. My brain goes nuts especially at the 3k mark.

    ReplyDelete

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails