Monday, December 17, 2018

Truth, the Whole Truth and Nothing But the Truth

"When a woman tells the truth she is creating the possibility for more truth around her." —Adrienne Rich

I'm a honest person. I once shoplifted purple eyeshadow from a department store on a dare when I was 12 and was so filled with shame that I couldn't even use it. I routinely confessed to things that my parents didn't even know enough to ask me about. And any time my friends and I would wonder, aloud, if we could ever cheat on our husbands, it always boiled down to one thing for me: "How could I ever look him in the eye after cheating?"
So, to discover my husband's double life was more than a shock to me. It was an assault on the value system I thought we shared. If he lied about the big things, he must lie about everything. Was anything true?
And so I began calling my husband out for every single mistruth. I began to notice lies that I'd previously overlooked. Things that I would have called harmless before D-Day, I was beginning to see were part of a pattern.
He lied to avoid conflict. He lied to avoid consequences. He lied to seem nice. He told people he "couldn't" do things that he simply didn't want to do. He told me that he was late due to traffic instead of admitting that he got distracted at work and lost track of time. He told me he came to bed at midnight when it was 1 a.m. He told his mother he "had" to go visit a nearby friend rather than sit with her when the truth was she annoyed him. And on. And on.
I'm no saint, of course. I've told friends I like their new haircut when I don't particularly. I've professed to love meals that I choked down. Or to love gifts that I didn't.
I've tried to dedicate myself to radical honesty, ever since D-Day. But it's hard. Really hard. Sometimes a little lie is kinder than the truth. But each time I lie, even with the best intentions, I feel a little smaller.
Because I no longer believe that lies are harmless. I'm questioning if it's truly kinder to lie than to tell the truth to "spare" people's feelings. I'm beginning to think it's disrespectful to the person being lied to.
I was recently invited to join a writers' group. The others have been meeting for a few years and I was warned about one person in particular who's prickly about criticism. The others told me to "be careful" about what I say to her. They admitted that they tippy-toe around this person's work because they don't want to "hurt her feelings."
I listened to them and then I said that I wouldn't do that. I would, of course, be considerate. But it's a disservice to an adult writer to not be honest in my opinions of her work and how she might improve it. I don't claim to have all the answers. My opinions might be completely wrong. But she is a grown woman seeking input.
And I owe it to her to be honest, but also to myself.
Honesty is tough. But if we set the bar at "total honesty", then we're a lot more likely to at least get close to it. But if we set the bar at "honesty unless it makes us uncomfortable", then we're going to be living a whole lot of half-truths.
The other night, I suggested to my husband that we should take the dogs for longer walks because, as I pointed out, we could both stand to lose a little weight. 
"I don't think I need to lose any," he said.
"H'mmm...but you think I do?" I said.
He said nothing, which, of course, says a lot.
But at least, he's being honest. 



22 comments:

  1. Funny, I have been told by many that I’m too honest... and I’m totally guilty of not telling the whole truth to spare someone hurt feelings...I’m going to have to go inside my heart and ask if I need to work harder on this!

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    1. By "too honest", do people mean careless with feelings? My mother-in-law was "honest" when telling me she thought my haircut made me look like a man. But that wasn't "honesty", it was criticism under the guise of honesty. I think there are times when we can simply say, "Oh hey, you got your haircut. I'd love to have the confidence to go grey or go blonde or go short" or whatever. That's the truth...and it's not unkind. It's a fine line...

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    2. I’m sure for me it was because during my sisters and my growing up years, I was the only one that could be honest with our mother. They were just so used to saying what they knew she wanted to hear. But you’re right that I do understand that there’s a right way to be totally honest and being honest to hurt someone as the reason for that honesty is cruel...fine line indeed!

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    3. I saw both sides. My mother was honest -- and it sometimes caught people off guard but it was never cruel or unkind. It was just...straightforward and didn't mince words. My MIL, as I noted above, cloaked her unkindness in "honesty". As in, "I'm just being honest" when someone was justifiably horrified or devastated by something she'd said. I aspire to be like my mother (and like you, Theresa). I'm a "pussy-footer" as my mother called me and my dad.

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  2. I always wondered how people especially our H lied without feeling guilty. Anyone have the same thinking?
    Once you start with a small lie, eventually it will keep rolling to one another to cover the 1st lie until you lost control.
    I personally prefer people to tell me the truth that might hurt rather than a lie that make me feel comfortable.


    Lost_AA

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    1. Lost_AA,
      My husband had been groomed for lying by a family that punished him for truth-telling. He learned a long time ago to tell his parents what they wanted to hear. So by the time I came along, he believed that lying was sometimes kinder than the truth, even if that lie was a double life. He was so emotionally divorced from his own feelings.
      So that's my story. Other guys, I think they do feel guilt, which they justify with the whole "my wife doesn't appreciate me" nonsense.

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  3. I thought all of this. I really could not understand how someone could lie to my face. I even asked very direct questions throughout the years. I can remember where we were sitting and standing when I asked him these questions. He was so believable when answering. I am sure I wanted to believe him but he has told me he convinced himself what he was doing was justified even though deep down he knew how wrong it was before he did it.

    Facing the betrayal was hard but almost more upfront. What became a bigger challenge and more of our work than I expected on dday was dealing with how he lived his life. It makes sense anyone who would cheat for ten years and lie to his family and everyone around him most likely is not living an authentic and truthful life. Granted he was super successful career wise and money was no issue. If anything I think that contributed to his cheating. But it took a while for him to see how he pushed the boundaries on every thing he did and said. All of it was centered around himself though. I can tell at the center of it all was entitlement and selfishness. It was woven into every part of his life including his friends. He would defend any of his friends over me and our kids any day. Even if I said something factual he would have an excuse or defense for them. I do think surrounding himself with others who were less than the highest caliber made him feel better about himself. Then there was the going out and alcohol consumption.

    Now his goal is to life an authentic and transparent life. It is nice to see him so happy and embracing this. Not an easy road.

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    1. Hopeful30,
      Yep to everything you wrote. I think money and success does breed a sense of entitlement, a belief that the rules apply to other suckers. An authentic and transparent life has been my husband's goal too but I still have to point out when he's being dishonest. It's so ingrained and it's always ALWAYS to avoid discomfort -- telling someone he can't come to an event, etc.

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  4. I am so guilty of the little lies to avoid conflict. Man i hate conflict. I’m working on it though. A lot. Enough to feel uncomfortable about it so that’s a start. The odd thing about my H is that for YEARS i told him he was a terrible liar. And he was. I have no idea how he got so damn good at it.

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    1. I felt like SUCH an idiot after D-Day cause I said also that my husband was such a bad liar. His mouth would sort of twitch when he was being dishonest. Ha ha fucking ha. Jokes on me.

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  5. Steam,
    I always told my H the same thing. It's misplaced, but it's a source of shame for me: me saying that (he's a terrible liar) while he was sleeping with other people and lying about it... I must have looked like an idiot to him. I also used to say flippantly that I didn't have to worry about him having an affair because "no one would be able to put up with him other than me". Ouch. I think the truth is that believing those 2 things made me feel safe at the time. Since then, I think it's more significant that I needed little beliefs like this to feel safe. Regardless of what my H was doing, it was like I was looking for ways to feel "solid". To reassure myself that all was at least honest in my marriage (it wasn't). I should have explored that need of mine I think. Maybe it would have led me to explore some gut feelings that were bubbling up. I know so little about other people it turns out. I know myself better now though. At the time, I didn't feel justified to be unhappy with my treatment. My H wasn't always warm or attentive to me the way I wished he was, he was sometimes selfish and didn't take on enough responsibility at home, but he was mostly kind to me, he made me laugh, and at LEAST I knew he was faithful to me... how could I complain? That was good enough for me eventhough I wished for more and was frequently irritated with him. Oops. Now I see it differently. When I started compromising to hang on to a H who was "at least faithful", I opened the door somehow. I let everything slide except that one thing.... then that one thing slid right off too. Now I recognize and demand so much more than "at least he doesn't cheat on me" and "he's decent sometimes and funny".

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    1. ann,
      I think that's true -- we tell ourselves what we want to believe rather than what the evidence shows.

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  6. This post made me think about truth involving the soon to be ex-husband of the OW. They separated sometime over the summer, but I have no idea if he knows the truth about what happened. She’s told mutual friends that they split because “they fight all the time”. It bothers me to think that he might not know. But since they’re divorcing anyway, would he even care to know? I think I’d want to know the whole truth. I’ve often thought about telling him, but I also don’t want to start anything. (The OW has completely left us alone and we’ve actually moved to a different city.)It’s been about six months since the affair ended. Thoughts?

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    1. Erin, I totally get your thought to even consider contacting him. But I would error on the side of not doing it. If she has left you alone then good riddance. I had thoughts of this and my husband pointed out that there was a good chance of even if the ow was not mad but recontacting him. Who knows. At a certain point I decided I had to only focus on me and what I needed. Watch out for #1. On the flip side I would want to know. My husband has told me that he considered leaving me and not telling me the truth since he wanted to save face and preserve his image. Ugh Just the worst.

      I hope the move has been good for you. I have wished for that. Moving and starting over. Unfortunately it is not possible for us for various reasons. I just love when we are away from home. It is like a huge black cloud is lifted from us.

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    2. I'm torn on this. On the one hand, let sleeping (with married men!) dogs lie. On the other, I think he deserves to know. I'd hate to think he was beating himself up for something that wasn't his fault. Then again, maybe it just was a miserable marriage. 🤷‍♀️

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  7. Ann i hear you. I had seen the movie “this is 40” on a plane and laughing my ass off because the wives in that movie had given their husband the weekend off as husbands or something like that and the men could barely keep up with this nightlife they were free to explore. I had him watch it and haha ha i was saying “this is us- go try to keep up with some hot youngster—haha as we sat in our sweat pants watching it. NEVER thinking that’s exacy what he Was doing. Talk about misplaced shame and foolishness. I felt so stupid when i found out what was up.

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    1. This is me and us!! I did the same thing. I saw the movie with a friend and we could not stop laughing. All of it so funny. I made my husband watch it and it hit too close to home for him. Same with Gone Girl. I read the book and took him to that for a date night. He had no idea what that was about. He even brought that up after dday saying how it freaked him out. Basically he lived every day in shame and fear miserable. No wonder many times he was not pleasant to live with.

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    2. Interesting... hearing you describe what you did/said before you knew seems so similar to what I did/said. I feel shame about myself, but defensive about you... of course you couldn't know... how dare he take advantage of your good heart... he promised stuff in front of family and the public that he violated in private... it's not you, it's him. Lol. Your H and my H might have thought us foolish for what we said before we knew (not sure), but if we know that's not true of each other from this distance, then we're super close to knowing that's not true for ourselves. You should have been able to watch that movie and laugh without regretting it later. It should have just been a comedy about other people. But I get it. That's what stings I think. The fact that we don't know what we thought we were 100% sure about, and then we replay everything through a different lens after we find out. I should have been able to roll my eyes about my sometimes self absorbed, bad liar H without having my world turned upside down. But here we are nonetheless. I'd rather be the person who knows the truth, but it's not like I gained intelligence or worth... just information. From that, I built a bunch of other stuff that makes life better.

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    3. Once cheating happens you realize that it is everywhere. In every book, movie, song, magazine, news, etc. We went to the movie The Woman on the Train. Holy shit. Her emotions and devastation of being cheated on and treated like she is worthless was spot on. It's hard to watch but actually made me reflect on how far I've come. My H said he almost had to leave. It was painful for him too.
      Ann what you said about seeing our past now through a different lens is so true. I replay those months and think " did I know?" How stupid I was. Looking back him getting rid of his whitey tidies and changing up to colored underwear should have been my first clue. Who am I kidding the clues were EVERYWHERE!! I remember driving home one night from a friends house and talking about how we knew the husband had cheated on his wife and that she did not know. The irony ended up being was my H was cheating on me at that time with....their daughter in law. Yes a lot to take in.
      Steam I hear myself in what you say. I thought we had a comfortable life. After 30 years together we still sat right next to each other on the couch when watching TV. Little did I know he was sitting next to me some nights and screwing her on other nights. A totally double life. How do they do it? How do they live with the guilt? More importantly how do I live with it?

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    4. Anon i know it’s so hard. I’m
      Not sure how far along you are. I don’t get many triggers from the media anymore but i used to and it was brutal. I used to watch movies and tv shows that even HINTED of an affair, alone first, to see if i might be able to deal sitting next to him . Now i can just be an a-hole about it. Yelling out ”scum bag” or”don’t do it you effing jerk”’. What I’m saying is that for me, it has not gone away, but it is tolerable, (barely some days 5 years and 18 months from d-days 1 and 2) and most situations i don’t have a huge triggered reaction caused by TV or movies - songs are most likely to get me. None of us could live with it if the feeling were as strong as they were the first year. How they lived with it? I’m not sure. Have you read about compartmentalizing? Guys have that ability. They don’t always connect things. I had to be convinced of that. When i asked my H what he was thinking about me while he did the hookers. And he said “i wasn’t”’. Truly it has nothing to do with us. It is their inability to talk to us about what is wrong, missing, or changing that often leads to their downfall. Selfishness and immaturity too

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    5. Anonymous,
      I struggle with the same questions still, so I don't know the answers. (How did they do it?) I still feel so sad sometimes when I think about people hurting people like that. Not just my H, everyone. It makes me feel so "outside" the rest of the world. I'm a pretty shy person, and I can honestly say no one has even come on to me (that I noticed) since I got married. Even before that. I'm just not that approachable I guess. I'm busy. I'm a loyal and sweet person, but not apt to talk to strangers in any sort of flirty way. After d day, it seemed the whole world was sharing some inside joke about me. Like people were bumping into each other as strangers, sizing each other up, imagining ways to have sex with each other... where was I? Raising a son. Working. Spending time with family. Reading books, thinking the rest of the world was doing the same. Oblivious...It felt like I didn't know my H, but also misjudged the whole world too. Lonely feeling! I still wonder what the truth is about that. Is it me or the whole world or just my H that had it wrong? My expectations were so low back then... just don't cheat on me. I don't need (deserve?) much. I can make my own peace and entertainment. It's ok to be a jerk to me if it makes you feel better. I'm super strong and can do everything... at least you're faithful. Whoops.
      The positive outcome is that I require so much more than merely being faithful now. If there's no sharing of the load in life, no emotional support and closeness, no physical compatibility, no tenderness, no respect or appreciation, then I'm going to be gone, I'm not going to try to do double work on my end to keep things going. I can feel more whole alone than if I carry someone else. That's true no matter what the rest of the world is doing. So I still don't know. Is the rest of the world more mature than me and I just don't get it? Are we all supposed to be having as much sex as we can as opportunities present themselves and I just missed the memo? Maybe. On bad days I wonder if I am the one who's missing the boat, but on the good days I know that living my life within my own integrity is so much less painful than trying to live the way my H was. That was probably a lot of pain for him, but even if it wasn't, it would be for me. I'm not certain of much else in life.

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  8. (How did they do it?).. I guess only our H and the OW knew the answer. I did sometimes wonder if they ever feel guilty or wanted to beat themselves up for hurting people? How could they still be happy when they know their happiness is built on other's sadness? How did they sleep well every night? There are too many question to be ask and we will never get the answer..
    Instead of keep thinking of why? how and etc...why don't we think in another way round...example : How to be happy? How to re-built our-self? What to be done to be a better person..etc.. Always think positive..Life is too short for us to drown our-self into their mess..

    Lost_AA

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